Lost

I feel so empty sometimes. I was so in love. At times I still feel it. I still get a little excited when I see him. I still smile when I see him smiling. I still get that feeling when he hugs me, and the hugs are few and far between. I miss his arms. I miss his smell. I miss his hair and his lips and his eyes, oh, those eyes. I miss the warmth of his touch. I miss the kisses on my neck. I miss the pleasure. I miss laughing all the time. I miss watching TV in my basement, and eating all my food. I miss sharing guava pop. I miss his bed. I miss Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Seinfeld. I even miss Becker, and I hate that show. But I miss it because when I was watching it, he was laying next to me under the covers. I miss SO much. I have lost SO much. And what have I gained? Nothing. I still don't have my friend back. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I could tell everything to. I miss the laughter. I miss playing video games, and arguing over movies. I miss everything. I miss the lover and the friend. And now that I've learned to separate the two I miss him even more...

My life is nothing but a culmination of events all leading to who I am today. I have been a decent student, a decent daughter (thought my mother may beg to differ), and the best friend possible. I have loved, an recently, lost. I have loved with every piece of my heart, every inch of my body and mind. I have felt amazingly exhausted from loving. I have been drunk from love, blinded by it, deafened even. I have touched places and been touched. I have kissed so deeply I've felt it in my spine. I have held someone closely and never wanted to let go. I have run my fingers through soft curls and looked deep into green eyes. I have traced pink lips with fingertips and kissed warm flesh with a sacred lightness. I have held hands and felt the earth move under my feet.
I, have loved.
I now understand loving and losing. I am almost certain I feel like the most lost person ever. It's not a matter of not knowing myself, but rather not knowing where to go from here. I am really without him, and it feels so odd. It's alarming and assuring to write it. I feel like I've made such a mistake by letting love define most of my life. I was okay with is fro so long because I was promised forever. I always thought there would be a way to work through anything. I always thought we were strong.
Yet, I've taken this so much better than many would. The reason for all of this really pisses me off. The angry ex-girlfriend in me feels so much freer now. Like I have no one to please but myself. I can be whoever the fuck I chose, and do whatever the fuck I want. I will do all the things I want to. I will not love anyone who doesn't accept me completely. I deserve true, whole, unconditional, changing & growing, amazing love. And until that comes I will not waste my time. I will be better and stronger because of this.