Random

Fuck Labor Day.
All you motherfuckers go home and the campus is deserted and shit.
I haven't been this bored since I arrived!!

I'm so horny. This sucks ASS.

I wanna go visit B in NY.
She sounds like she went home.
I'm so happy for her.

I miss my dog more than life.
I feel like crying when I think about his little face.
Ohhhh I cannot believe I miss him this much...

I want to download some illegal music, but I have to go off campus to do it.
And I'm lazy.

[done]

Tessellate

Dead lovers salivate, broken hearts tessellate tonight...

---Tokyo Police Club- Tessellate

tes·sel·late[adj.]

1.to form of small squares or blocks, as floors or pavements; form or arrange in a checkered or mosaic pattern.

When your heart is breaking, you can feel it physically. That is, if you've loved hard enough. I remember the first night I went to bed after Luke and I ended things. I swear I could feel my heart cracking from the pressure. I could feel it being bruised and battered. My mind raced with all the things I could have done differently. All the different "Siobahns" I could have been to make him happy. For weeks after I longed for his touch, his lips, his smell. I longed for familiarity and comfort. I longed for my best friend, and my lover alike. I longed to be loved how I had been for so many months. I longed to be us again. Never for a moment did I think anything good could come of something so "earth-shattering".
And then it did. I started to feel like I could do anything I wanted. Not that I felt contained in my relationship. Because I was going to do what I wanted regardless. There were a few things I gave up, but my relationship was definitely more important than those things. When you plan forever with someone, you learn to compromise for the overall betterment of the relationship. I did lose sight of myself sometime near the end though. I believe that's why the end felt so huge. I was desperate to keep it. Desperation can make you crazy, and it can make you forget about you.
And now my heart tessellates. I form new pieces daily. Every time I learn something new, every time I think about moving on. Every time I get excited that's a square, pushed into place. My heart is a mosaic. It is no longer a heart. It is pieces, being rebuilt. Shiny little squares, falling into place, building a new heart. A heart I am proud of. A stronger, better heart. A heart more connected to my mind and my soul than ever before.

Betrayal

Let's talk betrayal.
I've been betrayed, completely for the first time ever. By someone I trusted SO much. Someone I told everything to. It hurts. And I can't begin to forgive right now.
I don't like this hurt. I don't like having to cut off a friendship.
It's not fun. It's been difficult.
I'll be okay.
I always am.

I Know

I can only tell you what I know. And what I know is that love never really dies. Because when I think about it, if given the chance, I would rewind back to the days when I had his love. If given the chance, I'd do it all over again. If given the chance I would love him unconditionally a second time. But would he do the same? Would he go back? Would he do it all over again? Would he love me unconditionally? I don't think I'll ever know. It still hurts a little bit, but it's finally fading. I miss so much, and it feels like I have gained so little. I know what love is, true. And unfortunately I know what it feels like when it ends...I just feel like moving on isn't a choice anymore. It's happening on it's own. I think about it less. This is the first time I've thought about it in over a week.
I can't quite tell if I'm a relationship person or not. I definitely have been for two years now. But this is college...
It'll come together. The universe is mysterious.

Random Thoughts

I do not want to go to training today.
Yesterday I wanted to shoot myself in the face.

I am SO happy to be on my own. I've been much calmer since I have no one nagging me telling me what to do.
Now I just do it on my own! :]
Aren't you proud mom?

I'm hungry.
I have to buy a bus pass before I go eat.

I hope it's not so hot today.

My period won't start.
No I'm not pregnant, for that requires me getting some, which sadly, I am not.

[end]

Its here.

I can't believe I'm in college. Well, I can believe it, but it hasn't quite hit me yet. I didn't cry when my parents left, even though I sort of wanted to. I kind of want to now...but I shant! My little sister cried too. That was tough for me, to see her cry. She's just turning into a little lady, and I had to leave her. She's at the age where she can come to me for advice now, and it kind of sucks to not be there, in the flesh anyway, for her.
I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment. I'm all alone, this is not my bedroom, or my amazing bed, and I don't know what to do with myself. Not to mention I have to get up in 6 hours...I should probably try to sleep. More soon.

College

I got a haircut last week, and it's the shortest I've ever had it. I figured I'd start college off right, with a kick ass haircut and a new outlook on single life. Single life is going to be fun if it's the last thing I do. I will party, I will make out with boys, I will do all the things single girls do, because I haven't been single in two years, and I want to experience single freedom at it's best; in college. The day I move in is inching closer and closer and I'm only getting more excited. I want to be more open to meeting new people than I ever have been. I'm excited to find people who share a lot of common interests with me and who like what I like. It's been rare finding anyone around my hometown who likes Chiodos and Jay-Z equally! I just hope that I have the best experience I can, because I really want it, more than anything I want a good college experience.