Tessellate

Dead lovers salivate, broken hearts tessellate tonight...

---Tokyo Police Club- Tessellate

tes·sel·late[adj.]

1.to form of small squares or blocks, as floors or pavements; form or arrange in a checkered or mosaic pattern.

When your heart is breaking, you can feel it physically. That is, if you've loved hard enough. I remember the first night I went to bed after Luke and I ended things. I swear I could feel my heart cracking from the pressure. I could feel it being bruised and battered. My mind raced with all the things I could have done differently. All the different "Siobahns" I could have been to make him happy. For weeks after I longed for his touch, his lips, his smell. I longed for familiarity and comfort. I longed for my best friend, and my lover alike. I longed to be loved how I had been for so many months. I longed to be us again. Never for a moment did I think anything good could come of something so "earth-shattering".
And then it did. I started to feel like I could do anything I wanted. Not that I felt contained in my relationship. Because I was going to do what I wanted regardless. There were a few things I gave up, but my relationship was definitely more important than those things. When you plan forever with someone, you learn to compromise for the overall betterment of the relationship. I did lose sight of myself sometime near the end though. I believe that's why the end felt so huge. I was desperate to keep it. Desperation can make you crazy, and it can make you forget about you.
And now my heart tessellates. I form new pieces daily. Every time I learn something new, every time I think about moving on. Every time I get excited that's a square, pushed into place. My heart is a mosaic. It is no longer a heart. It is pieces, being rebuilt. Shiny little squares, falling into place, building a new heart. A heart I am proud of. A stronger, better heart. A heart more connected to my mind and my soul than ever before.