Today Is Gonna Be the Day That Their Gonna Throw it Back to You

"By now you should've somehow realized what you've got to do.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do...
And all the roads we have to walk are winding,
and all the lies that line the way are blinding."

Ohhh 2008. What a motherfucking year.

-- I had a pretty OKAY prom night.
-- Graduation day was one of the best feelings of my life. It was also the last time I kissed someone I thought I'd be kissing for years to come.
-- I had my heart bruised. [not broken]
-- I spent months opening up to a friend that eventually betrayed the fuck out of me.
-- I hated. I let go.
-- I used Buddhism to be strong, to be better.
-- I started college. MSU is seriously my favorite place to be. I love my roommates, I love my friends, it's great!
-- I turned 18. :)
-- I pierced my lip, FINALLY.
-- I know for sure I want to be a nurse now.
-- I got pretty decent grades. I'll do even better next semester.
-- I fell in love again, something I had begun to doubt.
-- I'm more content with my agnostic atheism than every before. I am strong in what I do not believe. It's my life.

The best things I learned in 2008:

I learned that the things that feel massively life changing, are merely chapters in your book. They pass, you move on, the story gets better, and on the last page, you'll know everything that felt life changing, in fact was. But it will always be better to have an ever changing life, than a stagnant, meaningless, repetitive life. Live.

I learned to love myself a little more. I still have doubts about my capabilities. I still don't always like my tummy, or my ass, or my skin. I still have my "fat days". I've realized that feeling truly beautiful makes others see your beauty, which in turn only makes you feel more beautiful. It's a magnificent cycle that only you can put into motion.

I learned that I will never really truly feel like me if I'm not writing. It has absolutely saved my life this year. That, and music.

I learned that there may be true loves, but they just don't always work out how we'd want, or expect. There are many loves to be had. It only matters how much you truly want it. I learned that I love him. And I'm still learning how to be the best me I can be for myself, as well as the one I love. I must learn that to be truly happy.

I learned he's amazing. I learned that I deserve more, and that he's actually capable of giving me that.

I learned who my true friends really are. I made some new ones, lost shitty ones, and gained back some I'd almost lost.

And lastly, I learned that I want to learn more about everything that's important to me. I want to learn how to be a better writer, I want to learn MUCH more about Buddhism, and so much more. But most of all, I want to learn more about myself.

Randoms

I NEED SOME INSOMNIA COOKIES RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
I am at my cousin's house because the power was out in my neighborhood.
My neighbor's tree fell in her driveway, just missed her house, and crushed her Expedition. And just this summer my mom suggested she cut it down because it was dying and weakening...
I NEED TO SEE HIM.
I'm excited for New Year's Eve.
HAIRCUT TIME. I went back and forth for awhile on whether I wanted to grow it out or cut it off, but I saw a picture and now I must.
It'll look something like this:



CAN'T WAIT.

Again, I MISS HIM.
I love him.
I'm done.
OUTTA HERE.

Boy You're a Sight to See, Kinda Somethin` Like Me

I wonder if I keep talking about this really cool ass guy, will he keep calling me "gay" for it? Welp, I don't give a shit.
I love him. He's mine. I love him for so many reeeasons. I can't wait until the next time I see him, touch him, kiss him. Gaaaah I miss him! I don't even want to think about going back to school...

This was a decent ass Christmas for us to be broke. I ended up with $270 in cash and giftcards. WOOP. Also, Guitar Hero World Tour, undies, Ed Hardy perfume [I asked for Viva La Juicy, got that instead. Smells good though!], B&BW smell-good, and some other random stuffs. The food was AMAZING, as always! And seeing my family is always great. I'm just really glad to be here and have everyone happy and healthy and doing well, despite the state of the country. I'm pretty sure I've got a summer job at Ruby Tuesday if I want, since my uncle works there. All in all, shit's good.

On a different note, this Christmas felt bittersweet. I'm getting older. Legally, I'm an adult. I looked under our sparse little tree [decorated in green and white!] and saw about 3 things for me and my sister each. I immediately thought back to the days were there were 10 presents under the tree, along with huge ass, and I mean huge, git bags with even more gifts. I remember dollhouses and American Girl dolls and clothes, Bitty Babies and Barbies, clothes and video games, computer games and iPods, CDs and stereos. I remember when I could make my Christmas list a page long and get it all. This year I was lucky if I got the first thing on my list. I remember the complete and utter joy on me and my sister's faces. I remember screaming in such surprise and happiness that I needed hot chocolate more than I actually wanted it. Now I'm 18. This year I got cash, underwear and perfume. And even though the cash is what I wanted, I felt a pang because I wasn't surprised. I didn't scream in joy. I squealed upon opening GH World Tour, only because my mom had convinced me well enough that we weren't getting it. But the years have passed by me. I'm glad I remember them with such joy. But I'm sad they've passed. And Christmas won't probably be that much fun for me until I'm seeing the joy on my own children's faces years from now. I'm willing to wait for that though. I'm ready to be 19 next year. I'm ready to keep moving towards my future.

Sweet Like Candy to My Soul

This boy...It just sort of blows my fucking mind every time I think of him, how we fall into place with each other so well. I love the way he kisses me, and the way his fingers touch me so softly. I love the playfulness, I love the laughter and the tickling and the loudness and the silence. I love looking at each other. I love being close to him. I love the way he smiles, I love his eyes and his nose and his lips. What I love absolutely the most though, is the way he looks at me, like I'm flawless and beautiful and the only thing he can see. I love that so much.

Oh Momma

Mother daughter relationships are so fucking difficult. Me and my mom? I don't even know where to begin...

I love that woman with my life, for my life, do not doubt that. But I am almost sure I have been on the edge of hating her with my life as well. I can't really begin to understand it myself. There are so many things that I feel like she's done wrong in our relationship. She never really built one to begin with. Sure, she was always loving. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't go to my mom for a hug and feel like everything is going to be okay when her arms are wrapped around me. I can still snuggle with her on the couch whenever I want. I appreciate my mom for all her maternal love, and never lacking in affection for her children. What my mother lacks, however, is the ability to see me as more than her child. She does not see me as a fellow woman, she doesn't see me as a friend, girlfriend, or any of my other roles. She sees me as a daughter. And the second my other roles conflict with that one, she's got a problem.

Example #1: Losing My Virginity
Ohhh my goodness. My mother thought the world had imploded when she found out I'd had sex. I was yelled at. I was made to feel bad about being in love, and told that I wasn't. I was threatened with a change of schools, I wasn't trusted. My sex life is my business. No one else's. Sure, I was 16. That's not a terrible, wrong age to lose it at. That's not a terrible age to fall in love and explore that love. She really tried to ruin that for me.

Example #2: Leaving for College
When I left for school, my mother and father took me on a horrible walk around the block to "talk". My mom didn't wish me all the best. She didn't tell me she hoped my experiences were great. She basically told me that dating was a no-no. I don't need a man. I don't need anyone. She told me "You can have friends!" As if she was suggesting I have a fuck-buddy? She was not specific at all.
"Mom? You want me to find a fuck buddy? SURE!"
I really wish I would've said that...but I didn't! I nodded and smiled and pretended to care. My father just went along with it all.

My main point in both of these stories were to show that my mother hasn't been understanding. She hasn't tried to see me for a woman, for an individual. It really bothers me. I don't want to talk to her. She judges me when I do things that don't fit her plan for me. She judges me terribly. She makes me want to be so dishonest. She doesn't put herself in a position for me to come to her about things that don't have to do with me being her daughter. I don't blame her fully, because she and my grandma don't have the greatest relationship. I can keep hoping things get better. I can keep hoping she'll understand me someday. It's inevitable that when I have my first child I'll be forced to evaluate our relationship. I just wish there was more there to evaluate.

Don't Be Scared to Fall In Love `Cause You Don't Like Heights

Listen to your body tonight, it's gonna treat you right.

Black Kids.
Definitely some good shit.

I planned on going to a party that my friend is throwing, until I found out my ex and his significant other are going to be in attendance. Now, I was perfectly fine with him coming, but her, that's a totally different story. I'm still deciding whether I want to go. I'm weighing everything. I can't really gauge how comfortable I am with even seeing her, let alone them together. It's reassuring to know my girls are going to be there for me 100%, and Sten will be there and that makes me feel better about it too. I was so looking forward to it, and I sort of feel immature for saying I wasn't going immediately after finding out they were. Sten said it's both immature, but completely understandable. It's a weird situation. I don't really feel like I should be giving it this much thought, that I should just be a big girl and go. My emotions don't really let me do what my mind tells me to though, and that's always been an issue with me. I really hope someday I can figure out how to just override my emotions.

I'm seriously considering going. I keep trying to picture the situation in my head, all the possible times where interaction with her would be necessary. I'm trying my hardest to just say fuck it, I'm making some good ass dessert, and I'm going and I'm gonna introduce my new amazing boyfriend to all my friends, and have a good ass time. It's hard. I'll see how I feel as the idea settles into my mind.

All I really wanna think about is him anyway...I fall a little harder everyday. I can't really explain it. He's amazing. He's wonderful. He's silly and he makes me laugh and he teases me, and I love it. He's sweet to me, he makes me feel good, and beautiful. He tells me things that drive me crazy, things that make me smile uncontrollably [grinningidiot], things that make me feel warm and glowy. I keep thinking to myself all the time, how incredibly happy I am that we found each other.

I wanna live life
and never be cruel
and I wanna live life
and be good to you

Come On It's Lovely Weather For a Sleigh Ride Together With You

Relient K singing Christmas songs?
Yeah, that's love...

So I Christmas-ed out the blog as you can see! Relient K is my favorite Christmas album this year, so they got the honor of being my header. I love the holidays! I love the way the snow looks from the inside of a warm room. I love running inside from the cold with people you love. I love shopping, and having my family over on Christmas day, and all the insanity of that crazy production. I especially love having someone special to keep warm with. My new, wonderful, amazing boyfriend is going to be my source of enjoyment all break. I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until I go home to see him. I don't give half a shit what my mom or anyone has to say about it. He's so good to me, and so good for me. I can't wait to have him around all the time!! Everyday is great no matter what, as long as I see my morning text from my honeybee. This guy...

Maybe it's much too early in the game,
oh but I thought I'd ask you just the same.
What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?

Why Can You Read Me Like No One Else?

I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out.

Fall Out Boy, my first love! It's always good to hear that song.


Yesterday [today?] was a good day. I woke up with a nasty headache, and ended up sleeping until noon. I showered, ate, relaxed. Ate with Jordan for his birthday, laughed a LOT in the process. Came back, laughed with Lindsey. Ate again, laughed more. Came back. All the while, texting and chatting and everythingelseing with the best boy ever.
And at the end of this day, he became my boyfriend.
He's good, and he's sweet, and he's amazing.
Now, what more could I ask for?

You've got your ball, you've got your chain
tied to me tight, tie me up again.
Who's got their claws in you my friend?
Into your heart, I'll beat again...

All The Wonders of My World

Adele is LOVE. :]

I don't usually say what I'm thankful for, on thanksgiving or anytime else for that matter. And I know I'm late as hell but who cares? Read it.

::I am thankful for my family, and my dog.
::I am thankful for my wonderful friends.
::I am thankful to be alive.
::I am thankful that I am exactly who I have always wanted to be.
::I am thankful that I am done with religion.
::I am thankful that I am in college, learning and growing. Especially because I'm at MSU. :]
::I am thankful that I have been writing almost regularly, and I just passed the 50 post mark!! :]
::And last but certainly not least, and most recently, I am thankful for Stennett. ♥