Oh Momma

Mother daughter relationships are so fucking difficult. Me and my mom? I don't even know where to begin...

I love that woman with my life, for my life, do not doubt that. But I am almost sure I have been on the edge of hating her with my life as well. I can't really begin to understand it myself. There are so many things that I feel like she's done wrong in our relationship. She never really built one to begin with. Sure, she was always loving. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't go to my mom for a hug and feel like everything is going to be okay when her arms are wrapped around me. I can still snuggle with her on the couch whenever I want. I appreciate my mom for all her maternal love, and never lacking in affection for her children. What my mother lacks, however, is the ability to see me as more than her child. She does not see me as a fellow woman, she doesn't see me as a friend, girlfriend, or any of my other roles. She sees me as a daughter. And the second my other roles conflict with that one, she's got a problem.

Example #1: Losing My Virginity
Ohhh my goodness. My mother thought the world had imploded when she found out I'd had sex. I was yelled at. I was made to feel bad about being in love, and told that I wasn't. I was threatened with a change of schools, I wasn't trusted. My sex life is my business. No one else's. Sure, I was 16. That's not a terrible, wrong age to lose it at. That's not a terrible age to fall in love and explore that love. She really tried to ruin that for me.

Example #2: Leaving for College
When I left for school, my mother and father took me on a horrible walk around the block to "talk". My mom didn't wish me all the best. She didn't tell me she hoped my experiences were great. She basically told me that dating was a no-no. I don't need a man. I don't need anyone. She told me "You can have friends!" As if she was suggesting I have a fuck-buddy? She was not specific at all.
"Mom? You want me to find a fuck buddy? SURE!"
I really wish I would've said that...but I didn't! I nodded and smiled and pretended to care. My father just went along with it all.

My main point in both of these stories were to show that my mother hasn't been understanding. She hasn't tried to see me for a woman, for an individual. It really bothers me. I don't want to talk to her. She judges me when I do things that don't fit her plan for me. She judges me terribly. She makes me want to be so dishonest. She doesn't put herself in a position for me to come to her about things that don't have to do with me being her daughter. I don't blame her fully, because she and my grandma don't have the greatest relationship. I can keep hoping things get better. I can keep hoping she'll understand me someday. It's inevitable that when I have my first child I'll be forced to evaluate our relationship. I just wish there was more there to evaluate.