Close Your Eyes

I haven't had a real blog since February 24th. I wonder what that says about my current state of mind. I'm also blogging at 4:30am, which probably says even more about my current state. I am a little lost, and yet still a little found. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder if I can someday love all the things that I hate. It pisses me off that I feel just a little more validated when I'm aware that someone wouldn't mind seeing me naked, that someone would enjoy it even. I dislike myself for feeling empowered because someone wants to have sex with me.
I debate though, even as I write this, especially as I write this. Is it terrible that I feel sexy when someone thinks that I am? Or am I just feeding off of it, in a more positive way? I like that my body can give me control. I like that even when I might not feel my sexiest, I can still put on a front and act like a sultry, sexy temptress. Someone told me I should act, that they could see me doing that. And as I think about it, I understand why. The core of me desires to be whatever you desire. I will be what you need. If you need a friend, if you need a flirt, if you need someone to hold you and tell you it'll be okay as a mother would do, if you need someone who'll make you laugh; I will be that for you. Is that good? Is that bad? I have no idea. But I know that making people feel like I'm what they need makes me feel good. Being there for someone else makes me feel good. And thinking back on the sexy thing, isn't that all I'm letting someone else do? In thinking that I'm sexy, and telling me, they're being what I need. They're telling me that so that I think I'm sexy. Although I might not believe it all the time, the thought that someone thinks I'm sexy? Just shows that someone was what I needed, for once in my life...