Why Do We Love Love, When Love Seems To Hate Us?

I haven't really had the urge to post anything on here lately. I keep missing him because I'm lonely and there's no one to start new with. One of my roommates is completely in love with her boyfriend, I see people coupling up everywhere, and I just cannot seem to get lucky... I'm just feeling detached from the idea now. I don't want to be this person. I know for a fact that I am, relative to all things important, happy. I am alive and healthy and pretty and smart and kind. So yes, I am happy by myself. But I wish someone would come around to make me just a little happier...

I Don't Like it At All

Sit down, come 'round, I need you now.
We'll work it all out together, but we're getting no where tonight...

Imogen Heap- The Moment I Said It

A lot of the time I hate writing these kinds of posts. I feel weak. I feel too human. I feel too many things. I missed him today and I despise these days because I'm sure he doesn't ever miss me. He wanted it after all, not me. And so I know it is easier, not easy, but much easier. Some days I just wonder what my life would be if we were still us. I wonder would I be sad to not see him often. I wonder if I would be happy to have the "love of my life" while everyone else desperately searched for someone who they might have a chance with. And some nights I just lay and I try so hard to remember what it felt like when he hugged me or kissed me, or even just looked at me. And I feel a pang where that piece of my heart used to be. Then I close my eyes, and I see his. And that part of my heart hurts a little more. Then I wake up and I'm better. I'm new Siobahn. I'm moving forward. I'm growing. But I have those nights. Not often. But I have them. Though they make me hurt, and feel too human, they make me smile inwardly, in a strange way. Because I was so deeply, madly and truly in love. So I know it's possible. And knowing that makes the nights a little easier, and makes being that human feel kind of okay.

And Watch How You Treat Every Living Soul

Feeling hatred is really hard for me, and I think that I felt it yesterday. I don't know what that means for me. Maybe I need to meditate more, or study my principles more. I feel like I need to be better than I am. I feel like all the bullshit in my life, and that has occurred recently is a test to me being the best person I can be, someone who really tries hard to live by Buddhist principles and be good and loving and not hateful. I've been pushed to a limit and it hurts me to feel such ugly things, and think and say such ugly things. I just want to be better. I want to feel whole again, I want to love again. I want to forget. I want to push all the ugliness out of my life and keep nothing but all the beauty and promise around me. I hope that I can do that. And I hope that next time some bullshit comes my way, I can take it, feel no hatred, and cast it off quickly. I am beyond this. I am above this. I am better than this.

So Take it As a Song or a Lesson to Learn

So if you're gonna go, then be careful, and watch how you treat every living soul.
When eyes can't look at you any other way...

Band of Horses- Detlef Schrempf

Perfect song for me right now I think. I honestly hate the feeling of anger. It makes me laugh, because I can't think of any other way to diffuse it. I hate that she is such a fucking bitch to me. It seems as though she's guilty. So my blog mentions your lies and betrayal... Maybe if you hadn't lied to and betrayed me, you wouldn't even be mentioned!! Obviously she doesn't want people reading about her "lapse in judgment". I couldn't give a fuck if I tried. Honestly, I said I forgave her, but I don't know anymore. The way she came at me today made me feel hateful, and the whole premise of my lifestyle is to avoid hatred, and be kind to everyone that I encounter. She made it so hard for me today to do that. She makes me angry. She makes me relapse, and she makes it hurt all over again. It hurt for me to lose a fucking friend! And it hurt that it was so easy for him to just move on, so soon...

And now that she's acting the way she is I don't know how to be. She's being catty and disrespectful and fucking irritating, and making me really wish I had just never let her in, or tried so hard to be a good friend to her. I put my all into that friendship. She was my support system. Or was she? I just don't understand how, while developing feelings for my ex, she could feign any sort of friendliness to me? I just don't get how she could lie and feel the way she did about him. That is having no respect for our friendship. Because a good friend is honest, and that equals respect. And that is NOT her. At all. So thinking back to when she said she didn't think she disrespected me, I think that's complete and utter bullshit. And to have the nerve to "remind" me how long it's been over between me and my ex was catty and ugly, and frankly, sounded a little unsure. Making a comment like that means she feels threatened in some way, I think.
[By the way, I counted. Her name is mentioned one time in my entire blog history. So acting like a huge cunt today was unnecessary in my eyes...]

Its not like I'll ever know, because I don't think I can ever speak to someone so full of shit again. I don't even know what I'd do if I had to see her face... I just, at this point, don't understand her at all. She's behaving in a way that I wouldn't have ever expected. And I really don't want to speak to her ever again, and I don't want to talk about the situation anymore because it makes me think too much, and it makes me hurt. I'm the ONLY one who got fucked over in any way during any of this. And for her to think that I would consider changing anything about my blog is crazy. I have no obligations to her. I don't give a flying fuck about her feelings, or anything she has to say. None of it matters to me. She's become an ugly person in my eyes, and I think that it's necessary that I disassociate myself from her and the situation. So this is the final post on it all. I'm done.

Dancing For the Cameras on the Traffic Lights

I changed my mind. I really do want to marry Anthony Green. I want to get in his head and see what makes him write this amazing fucking music.
Jordan and I had a nice talk today about relationships, and how you know you're over it, and how you'll never REALLY be over it. I came up with the "brilliant" (or so he thought) idea of dating!! What do you know?!?! Something adults have been doing for YEARS! You know, when you go on a few dates to see if spending time with someone is actually worth it. Instead of shuffling around the idea of a relationship like a fucking idiot. I'm so over "talking" or just jumping into something and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't think it's necessary. Jordan was just so amazed by the idea. "Dating!! That's a REAAALLY great idea!" he said. Just the concept excited him. And so we decided dating would be a great idea for us. He's got a girl he likes, and its so adorable. And me? Well, I'm still a little lost on finding someone dateworthy... The whole thing is that it's nothing too serious, feeling out the waters and whatnot. I think I like this "radical" idea. Its time to get back in the water. Its time to just go for it! I'm just over bullshit. I'm over myself! I'm over pitying myself. I'm over those stupid nights when I let my mind wander over into the "what ifs" and the reminiscing. It's fucking stupid, and it makes me feel like I'm not okay, when I know full well that I am. I'm fine by myself. It's not like I need someone to feel complete. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, and a good life. I'm 18, single and smart! I have no reason to be feeling sorry for myself at any time. I should be care-fucking-free.

AND I SHALL BE, DAMMIT!

We Got the Magic

Facebook might as well be called: "ADetailedHistoryOfAnyRelationshipThatisEitherInThePastOrCurrentlyTakingPlace". Because it is a detailed history of my own past. And I don't like the fact I can read love notes and wall posts and shit when I get extremely bored. This stinks. I'll be 18 in less than an hour, and here I am bitching about the fact that my only real relationship has a detailed history on the fucking internet.
Fuck technology.
It's okay to be over it and still reminisce and dwell a little bit every now and then right?? Because I'm almost positive I'm over it. I'll never be totally over it because he definitely has a little piece of my heart forever, you know? Maybe it's just inevitable that sometimes I'll miss it, or reminisce. I think I'm okay with it. I guess I was weirded out until I realized that it is okay to reminisce. I'm fine with it. And I'm almost legal!
Now if some nice boy would come along, I'd be all set...

I Got Some Time If You Wanna

My ex is a very good guy. Very good. His next girlfriend will be a very lucky girl. I'm a very lucky girl. I'm glad I didn't completely fuck up us being friends.
Moving onnnn, DANAE IS COMING FOR MY 18th BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND!!!! I am so excited. I can't wait to see her!! And go out!! The plan is to go out to eat, and then go smoke some hookah, and then party!! I'm so excited. I must get back to my homework, but right now I'd say life is pretty good. :]

Til You Arrive...

I want to marry Anthony Green.
Well, maybe not. But I want to listen to every song he's ever made. I know I'll never get tired of him.

You wanna know how I know I'm ready to get back into the dating world? I miss being in love. I miss it! Who would've thought I'd miss all those ups and downs? I guess because I know all the good and the beauty that comes along with the bullshit. I miss the butterflies and the floaty feeling, and feeling like I could do more than anything. That extra little push. Having someone totally behind you. The affection...
Yep.
I'm ready. :]

We Could Hold Each Other Tight, Tonight...

I love me some Feist. Her songs always come on right when I need them. I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, downloading music and wishing that my life would miraculously become more interesting. The hot guy that was just sitting near me has left, so that's no longer a possibility... I've come to the conclusion that meeting a nice guy wouldn't be such a horrible thing right now. Maybe the whole relationship thing isn't a total bust. I must be ready if I'm considering the possibility, right? I mean, he moved on in less than a month... So 3 months is long enough for me right? Maybe I've let go of that little thread of hope that I was holding on to. Maybe I need to just be done. It's been so over, for so long; since May! Fucking May! Well, for him anyway. I was always the one with more hope, more optimism. And I'll continue to be that person. I will not harbor any hate for her, because there is no point. I don't ever have to see her again if I don't want to. And I can be his friend because he's a good friend to have. I wouldn't want to let him go, I came to that conclusion a while ago. And cemented it a few days ago. Its obvious I can be happy on my own. I've been having a great time at school so far. I'm doing well, I'm keeping up with my classes, keeping in touch with my little sister, who makes me smile every time we talk. And I've been flirting with guys and hanging out with my amazing roommates. There is no doubt that I'm good all by myself. But I sort of miss the comfort of a relationship. And I think I'm ready to settle back into that world. :]

In Math

Boredddd.
My teacher is a fucking retard, but she's a nice lady otherwise.
I don't like the rain. Especially when my hair has been done for less than 12 hours.
I am so boreddddd.
I am determined to do something this weekend. I didn't come here to sit in my dorm all weekend.
My birthday is inching closer and closer and I cannot wait!! I need to go ahead and schedule my road test one of these coming weekends...
That is all.

No One on the Corner Has Swagger Like Us

That line is stuck in my head.

I have no clue what last night was. I think while writing that I had a moment of temporary insanity. Because my hope was granted, and I do not miss him today. I hope that I can figure things out about myself soon. Whether I am actually ready to put myself back out there again. Sometimes it feels like I am. Sometimes it feels like that's the last thing I want. I wonder if Paige hadn't betrayed me, would I have an easier time moving forward? If I didn't have to think about whether she makes him happier? It's not the fact that he has moved on. It's the fact that it is her. And she is constantly glorified by his friends as the "guy/girl" that every guy wants. Part of me wants to say "So what?". But I don't think I can say that. Because if she does make him happier then that makes the past feel like a waste. And I don't want it to be that at all...

In Bed Thoughts

I miss him right now. I don't know why but right now I miss him. I miss his smell and his lips and his hair and his smile. I miss him tonight. I didn't miss him yesterday. I hope I don't miss him tomorrow.

Whyyyy

can my ex be such a sweet caring guy?
It makes it hard to tell him he doesn't always know what's best for me.
But he cares and it shows. And I listen because I still trust him more than most people... It's hard because he's the last person I want telling me what I've done makes me look a certain way. I still don't agree with him on the whole casual sex vs. a relationship issue. If I don't want all the bullshit that comes along with a relationship, but I do want the opportunity to be sexually satisfied, then why should I be called out for it? Men do it all the time... It's an obvious double standard. I'm sure he'd care less if we didn't have such a history. And if we hadn't had sex before. He cares because he's always cared. I would love to tell him he's right, and that I'm never going to have casual sex again. I just don't know if I want to make that promise. I would very much like to have sex every now and then. Being in a relationship takes work that I don't have the energy or the capacity for right now...

Random

I am not feeling this boredom thing.
I have some reading to do. I'll get to it...
I want to meet boys. Men.
I want somewhere to GO tonight.
I feel like getting all sexy and whatnot, and turning a few heads. :]

Holla.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

I never though I'd want casual sex.
It kinda makes me miss having a boyfriend around to help out with that.
Luke and I always had the best physical chemistry...but I guess when you give yourself to someone the way we did, and let them explore every inch of you, the sex should be good.
I still think about it sometimes. It still gets me hot every time. Is that okay? Is it normal? Does it mean I'm not over it? I'm getting better at not comparing those sexual experiences to the new ones. I just hate that I gave myself so wholly to one person. It doesn't make me more self conscious though, which is a good thing. If anything it made me more sexually aware and open.