Today Is Gonna Be the Day That Their Gonna Throw it Back to You

"By now you should've somehow realized what you've got to do.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do...
And all the roads we have to walk are winding,
and all the lies that line the way are blinding."

Ohhh 2008. What a motherfucking year.

-- I had a pretty OKAY prom night.
-- Graduation day was one of the best feelings of my life. It was also the last time I kissed someone I thought I'd be kissing for years to come.
-- I had my heart bruised. [not broken]
-- I spent months opening up to a friend that eventually betrayed the fuck out of me.
-- I hated. I let go.
-- I used Buddhism to be strong, to be better.
-- I started college. MSU is seriously my favorite place to be. I love my roommates, I love my friends, it's great!
-- I turned 18. :)
-- I pierced my lip, FINALLY.
-- I know for sure I want to be a nurse now.
-- I got pretty decent grades. I'll do even better next semester.
-- I fell in love again, something I had begun to doubt.
-- I'm more content with my agnostic atheism than every before. I am strong in what I do not believe. It's my life.

The best things I learned in 2008:

I learned that the things that feel massively life changing, are merely chapters in your book. They pass, you move on, the story gets better, and on the last page, you'll know everything that felt life changing, in fact was. But it will always be better to have an ever changing life, than a stagnant, meaningless, repetitive life. Live.

I learned to love myself a little more. I still have doubts about my capabilities. I still don't always like my tummy, or my ass, or my skin. I still have my "fat days". I've realized that feeling truly beautiful makes others see your beauty, which in turn only makes you feel more beautiful. It's a magnificent cycle that only you can put into motion.

I learned that I will never really truly feel like me if I'm not writing. It has absolutely saved my life this year. That, and music.

I learned that there may be true loves, but they just don't always work out how we'd want, or expect. There are many loves to be had. It only matters how much you truly want it. I learned that I love him. And I'm still learning how to be the best me I can be for myself, as well as the one I love. I must learn that to be truly happy.

I learned he's amazing. I learned that I deserve more, and that he's actually capable of giving me that.

I learned who my true friends really are. I made some new ones, lost shitty ones, and gained back some I'd almost lost.

And lastly, I learned that I want to learn more about everything that's important to me. I want to learn how to be a better writer, I want to learn MUCH more about Buddhism, and so much more. But most of all, I want to learn more about myself.

Randoms

I NEED SOME INSOMNIA COOKIES RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
I am at my cousin's house because the power was out in my neighborhood.
My neighbor's tree fell in her driveway, just missed her house, and crushed her Expedition. And just this summer my mom suggested she cut it down because it was dying and weakening...
I NEED TO SEE HIM.
I'm excited for New Year's Eve.
HAIRCUT TIME. I went back and forth for awhile on whether I wanted to grow it out or cut it off, but I saw a picture and now I must.
It'll look something like this:



CAN'T WAIT.

Again, I MISS HIM.
I love him.
I'm done.
OUTTA HERE.

Boy You're a Sight to See, Kinda Somethin` Like Me

I wonder if I keep talking about this really cool ass guy, will he keep calling me "gay" for it? Welp, I don't give a shit.
I love him. He's mine. I love him for so many reeeasons. I can't wait until the next time I see him, touch him, kiss him. Gaaaah I miss him! I don't even want to think about going back to school...

This was a decent ass Christmas for us to be broke. I ended up with $270 in cash and giftcards. WOOP. Also, Guitar Hero World Tour, undies, Ed Hardy perfume [I asked for Viva La Juicy, got that instead. Smells good though!], B&BW smell-good, and some other random stuffs. The food was AMAZING, as always! And seeing my family is always great. I'm just really glad to be here and have everyone happy and healthy and doing well, despite the state of the country. I'm pretty sure I've got a summer job at Ruby Tuesday if I want, since my uncle works there. All in all, shit's good.

On a different note, this Christmas felt bittersweet. I'm getting older. Legally, I'm an adult. I looked under our sparse little tree [decorated in green and white!] and saw about 3 things for me and my sister each. I immediately thought back to the days were there were 10 presents under the tree, along with huge ass, and I mean huge, git bags with even more gifts. I remember dollhouses and American Girl dolls and clothes, Bitty Babies and Barbies, clothes and video games, computer games and iPods, CDs and stereos. I remember when I could make my Christmas list a page long and get it all. This year I was lucky if I got the first thing on my list. I remember the complete and utter joy on me and my sister's faces. I remember screaming in such surprise and happiness that I needed hot chocolate more than I actually wanted it. Now I'm 18. This year I got cash, underwear and perfume. And even though the cash is what I wanted, I felt a pang because I wasn't surprised. I didn't scream in joy. I squealed upon opening GH World Tour, only because my mom had convinced me well enough that we weren't getting it. But the years have passed by me. I'm glad I remember them with such joy. But I'm sad they've passed. And Christmas won't probably be that much fun for me until I'm seeing the joy on my own children's faces years from now. I'm willing to wait for that though. I'm ready to be 19 next year. I'm ready to keep moving towards my future.

Sweet Like Candy to My Soul

This boy...It just sort of blows my fucking mind every time I think of him, how we fall into place with each other so well. I love the way he kisses me, and the way his fingers touch me so softly. I love the playfulness, I love the laughter and the tickling and the loudness and the silence. I love looking at each other. I love being close to him. I love the way he smiles, I love his eyes and his nose and his lips. What I love absolutely the most though, is the way he looks at me, like I'm flawless and beautiful and the only thing he can see. I love that so much.

Oh Momma

Mother daughter relationships are so fucking difficult. Me and my mom? I don't even know where to begin...

I love that woman with my life, for my life, do not doubt that. But I am almost sure I have been on the edge of hating her with my life as well. I can't really begin to understand it myself. There are so many things that I feel like she's done wrong in our relationship. She never really built one to begin with. Sure, she was always loving. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't go to my mom for a hug and feel like everything is going to be okay when her arms are wrapped around me. I can still snuggle with her on the couch whenever I want. I appreciate my mom for all her maternal love, and never lacking in affection for her children. What my mother lacks, however, is the ability to see me as more than her child. She does not see me as a fellow woman, she doesn't see me as a friend, girlfriend, or any of my other roles. She sees me as a daughter. And the second my other roles conflict with that one, she's got a problem.

Example #1: Losing My Virginity
Ohhh my goodness. My mother thought the world had imploded when she found out I'd had sex. I was yelled at. I was made to feel bad about being in love, and told that I wasn't. I was threatened with a change of schools, I wasn't trusted. My sex life is my business. No one else's. Sure, I was 16. That's not a terrible, wrong age to lose it at. That's not a terrible age to fall in love and explore that love. She really tried to ruin that for me.

Example #2: Leaving for College
When I left for school, my mother and father took me on a horrible walk around the block to "talk". My mom didn't wish me all the best. She didn't tell me she hoped my experiences were great. She basically told me that dating was a no-no. I don't need a man. I don't need anyone. She told me "You can have friends!" As if she was suggesting I have a fuck-buddy? She was not specific at all.
"Mom? You want me to find a fuck buddy? SURE!"
I really wish I would've said that...but I didn't! I nodded and smiled and pretended to care. My father just went along with it all.

My main point in both of these stories were to show that my mother hasn't been understanding. She hasn't tried to see me for a woman, for an individual. It really bothers me. I don't want to talk to her. She judges me when I do things that don't fit her plan for me. She judges me terribly. She makes me want to be so dishonest. She doesn't put herself in a position for me to come to her about things that don't have to do with me being her daughter. I don't blame her fully, because she and my grandma don't have the greatest relationship. I can keep hoping things get better. I can keep hoping she'll understand me someday. It's inevitable that when I have my first child I'll be forced to evaluate our relationship. I just wish there was more there to evaluate.

Don't Be Scared to Fall In Love `Cause You Don't Like Heights

Listen to your body tonight, it's gonna treat you right.

Black Kids.
Definitely some good shit.

I planned on going to a party that my friend is throwing, until I found out my ex and his significant other are going to be in attendance. Now, I was perfectly fine with him coming, but her, that's a totally different story. I'm still deciding whether I want to go. I'm weighing everything. I can't really gauge how comfortable I am with even seeing her, let alone them together. It's reassuring to know my girls are going to be there for me 100%, and Sten will be there and that makes me feel better about it too. I was so looking forward to it, and I sort of feel immature for saying I wasn't going immediately after finding out they were. Sten said it's both immature, but completely understandable. It's a weird situation. I don't really feel like I should be giving it this much thought, that I should just be a big girl and go. My emotions don't really let me do what my mind tells me to though, and that's always been an issue with me. I really hope someday I can figure out how to just override my emotions.

I'm seriously considering going. I keep trying to picture the situation in my head, all the possible times where interaction with her would be necessary. I'm trying my hardest to just say fuck it, I'm making some good ass dessert, and I'm going and I'm gonna introduce my new amazing boyfriend to all my friends, and have a good ass time. It's hard. I'll see how I feel as the idea settles into my mind.

All I really wanna think about is him anyway...I fall a little harder everyday. I can't really explain it. He's amazing. He's wonderful. He's silly and he makes me laugh and he teases me, and I love it. He's sweet to me, he makes me feel good, and beautiful. He tells me things that drive me crazy, things that make me smile uncontrollably [grinningidiot], things that make me feel warm and glowy. I keep thinking to myself all the time, how incredibly happy I am that we found each other.

I wanna live life
and never be cruel
and I wanna live life
and be good to you

Come On It's Lovely Weather For a Sleigh Ride Together With You

Relient K singing Christmas songs?
Yeah, that's love...

So I Christmas-ed out the blog as you can see! Relient K is my favorite Christmas album this year, so they got the honor of being my header. I love the holidays! I love the way the snow looks from the inside of a warm room. I love running inside from the cold with people you love. I love shopping, and having my family over on Christmas day, and all the insanity of that crazy production. I especially love having someone special to keep warm with. My new, wonderful, amazing boyfriend is going to be my source of enjoyment all break. I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until I go home to see him. I don't give half a shit what my mom or anyone has to say about it. He's so good to me, and so good for me. I can't wait to have him around all the time!! Everyday is great no matter what, as long as I see my morning text from my honeybee. This guy...

Maybe it's much too early in the game,
oh but I thought I'd ask you just the same.
What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?

Why Can You Read Me Like No One Else?

I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out.

Fall Out Boy, my first love! It's always good to hear that song.


Yesterday [today?] was a good day. I woke up with a nasty headache, and ended up sleeping until noon. I showered, ate, relaxed. Ate with Jordan for his birthday, laughed a LOT in the process. Came back, laughed with Lindsey. Ate again, laughed more. Came back. All the while, texting and chatting and everythingelseing with the best boy ever.
And at the end of this day, he became my boyfriend.
He's good, and he's sweet, and he's amazing.
Now, what more could I ask for?

You've got your ball, you've got your chain
tied to me tight, tie me up again.
Who's got their claws in you my friend?
Into your heart, I'll beat again...

All The Wonders of My World

Adele is LOVE. :]

I don't usually say what I'm thankful for, on thanksgiving or anytime else for that matter. And I know I'm late as hell but who cares? Read it.

::I am thankful for my family, and my dog.
::I am thankful for my wonderful friends.
::I am thankful to be alive.
::I am thankful that I am exactly who I have always wanted to be.
::I am thankful that I am done with religion.
::I am thankful that I am in college, learning and growing. Especially because I'm at MSU. :]
::I am thankful that I have been writing almost regularly, and I just passed the 50 post mark!! :]
::And last but certainly not least, and most recently, I am thankful for Stennett. ♥

I Felt You In My Legs Before I Ever Met You

And when I layed beside you, for the first time I told you
I feel you in my heart...

So life has this funny way of giving you the things that you give up on ever getting. Literally the week I just completely gave up on relationships of any sort, here he comes. Honestly, I'm trying my hardest to not get ahead of myself, or in too deep too fast, but I like him so much. Especially after having the chance to spend a lot of time with him. I haven't liked someone this much in AGES. And it's so crazy. I want to know everything about him, I want to spend hours and hours with him. He's honestly, wonderfully, amazing.

We'll be saying hello soon.
:]

I felt you in my life,
before I ever met you.

Randoms

I'm home and it feels good.
Thanksgiving was really nice.
I love my family. :]

I have gone to bed at 5 am or later for the past few nights.
All thanks to a certain boy.

He's worth it.
I smile all the time now.
I'm a grinning idiot.
His passionflower.
My honeybee.
I like it more than anything.
I missed feeling this way.
It's my favorite kind of happy.
I hope I get to see him soon.
Waiting for him to call or text suckssss.

Still There's No Place I'd Rather Be

Cause nothin'even matters to me, nothin' even matters to me...

You make everyday feel brand new,
no matter how many times I've done the things I usually do.
And somehow you've got me wondering,
why I hadn't seen it before?
And somehow you've got me wondering,
could this be much, much more?
And somehow you've got me wondering,
whether this is actually real?
And somehow you've got me wondering,
before, how could I even feel...?
It's like you're unreal to me.
It's like you can see every single thing.
I don't even know how I smile so much.
I can't wait to see and to touch.
And you came out of nowhere but I'm so happy you did.
You came out of nowhere and made me feel like a lovesick kid.
You make me believe in fate,
you keep me up way too late.
But I can't complain you see,
because you're my sweet honeybee.
You send me sweet things every minute of every hour,
just because I'm your passionflower.

The world it seems so very small,
cause nothin' even matters, at all.

Maybe You've Got the Time

Maybe you'll share yourself with me...

I don't want someone to watch over me
I don't care about the holes in your jeans
You just come and you do what you do
And could you be there baby when I call for you?
I could use some peace of mind...

Alana Davis--Easy to Love

I like new things. I like freshness. I like possibility. I like new that feels old. New that feels like days, and months, and even years. I like small things. I like sharing. I like falling asleep mid text. I like waking up to replies. I like waking up to newness that feels old. I like it. I like it a lot. It scares me a tiny bit but I like it. I don't want to get ahead of myself at all. But I like it. I like the way it feels the most.
I like him.

I don't have all of the pieces yet,
I'm watching us go around.

Seems Like Streetlights Glowing, Happened to Be Just Like Moments

"See I know my, destination,
but I'm just not there"

808s & Heartbreak is just what I needed.
Thank youuuu Mr. West.

I'm breathing more easily everyday. I have great friends, I have a fucking great life, you know? I can't dwell. I can't change shit. I mean, there's no point in my energy being used on things that are unchanging. And anyway, there are two guys getting my attention at the moment who are really great. One's older, which sends an alarm off in the practical side of my mind. We can talk about a lot though. He doesn't seem older. And the other guy, I can't really read him. I'm usually good at reading people. He's funny, and cute, and silly and I don't even knowwww. I hate not knowing things.
But I mean, shit will fall into place when it feels like it, not when I want it to, or expect it to.

I Guess That's What I Get For Wishful Thinking

Should've never let you enter my door
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby you're my disease

I don't know why I didn't give Rihanna the credit she deserves until a few months ago. She's talented.

Okay, on a friend's blog, she's been talking about how witnessing all the bullshit that comes with dating, relationships, and break-ups has made her not want any of it. But there's a reason we do those things. There's a reason,that even after we're hurt, we go back into that world.
People do it because love feels SO good. Despite the fear I have now, I want it again. Yeah, I've got a few trust issues now, and I'm apprehensive because I don't like feeling controlled in any way, and you have to give over a little control when you're in a relationship. But I want it again, because I know how love feels. It feels good. It feels warm, and right, and amazing. I will never forget what it felt like being in love, ever. And even though it turned out shitty, I would do it all over again. I wouldn't think twice before rewinding back to that time when I was warm, and loved, and felt so good. Not to say that I don't feel good now, but it's a different good. It's the kind of feeling that I'm happy to know I feel on my own. My friends give it to me also. But when someone loves you so much you feel GOOD.
It's so beautiful, and so delicious, and so rich, to be in love, to be loved, to love someone. That's why we do it. That's why everyone should.

I Need to Feel It Closer Now

"This is why I turn and walk away from everything. I never thought it'd be like this."

Circa Survive: getting me through shit since 2005.

I don't have a many friends as I thought, as it turns out. As shitty as that sounds, it's nice to know who is and who isn't. I'm reevaluating a lot, and trying to move forward. I want to meet new people, I want to explore.
I wish I wasn't so hesitant because of what's happened. I wish I could just push it down and move full speed ahead. But I'm wounded and I move slowly.
I say soon all the time. Soon, I'll be okay. Soon, I'll be ready.
One line from my poem has really stuck with me. "I trust myself to be okay in the morning, every night." That's something I really do. I lay down on my pillow and I tell myself that tomorrow will be better and I will be one day closer to letting it all go. I tell myself that I will hate a little less in the morning, I will move a little bit in the morning, I will smile a little more during the day. And I try, and I forget, but mostly I try. I do want more than anything to be better. I've said that more times than I can count, but I mean it. I want to be better and more, and okay! I want to be the best version of myself I possibly can.

That's My Dreamworld, And I Wanna Live In My Dream

Oh the real world, just don't feel right. I wouldn't spend my day searching for, searching for lost time. I wouldn't be so damn sensitive, I'd let things go by. No matter what the weather I'd learn to change, I'd change with the tide.

Robin Thicke--Dreamworld

In my dreamworld, emotions happen, but they don't last so long. In my dreamworld, being hurt happens, but the solution follows soon after. In my dreamworld, this definition is true, every time:

friend /frɛnd/:

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

In my dreamworld, my friends are always my friends. They don't hurt me, they don't betray me, they don't hide things from me, and they don't switch loyalties the minute I say something they don't like.

But this is not my dreamworld. This is reality. And the reality is that I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't know who to love, who to hate, who to talk to, who to yell at.
I hurt every time I think I won't anymore. Every day that I move forward, someone likes to take me a few months back.
You are not my friend when you take me back. You are my friend when you push me forward. The person who hurt me the most is pushing me forward, and you can't do that? You're horrible. You are worse than me, you are right up there with anyone who has hurt me. You are not my friend.
And in trying to "defend" someone, you put ALL their shit out there. Nice job. I wouldn't do that in a million fucking years, and I mean that with every bit of me. That was unacceptable. You, are, not, my, friend.
I'm slowly finding out who is, but I am more hesitant than ever. I expected heartbreak from boys. Never from someone I though I held close to me. Never.

In my dreamworld, I don't have to write these things.
In my dreamworld, I don't have to keep changing my fucking URL.
In reality, I do.
And that, is so fucking sad. So sad.

We've Run Out of Words, We've Run Out of Time

Surprisingly that title is from a Jesse McCartney song.
Don't judge me.
I wrote a motherfucking poem, FINALLY. :]

Fuck my wasted past,
all the days went too fast.
And I'm sure that I couldn't see it then,
but I wonder when,
when I lost myself?
I don't remember putting all those things on the shelf.
I don't remember where my missing pieces fell to,
I don't know why I was ever with, wait, who?
I could block it out but then I won't have learned a thing.
I won't have learned to spread my wings.
And I wish that I could rewind,
and take more time.
I wish I could go back and take the advice,
I wish I wouldn't have done it twice.
I wish that I was who I am now, then,
and I want to know why, when?
Why did I ever even cry?
Why did I lie?
I lied to myself,
and ignored everyone else.
Why did I let all the bullshit get inside my head?
Why did I lay for hours in bed?
It's all over now,
should I have done it sooner, how?
I want to throw it all into the fucking wind,
and never ever look back, ever again.
I want to call it all just months of bullshit,
I want to say that this is finally it.
I want to be better, more, okay.
I know that I'll find the real thing one day.
But for now I'm just gonna wait,
I'm gonna let myself hate.
I hate him, I hate her, I hate the things.
I hate the necklaces, the hat, the rings.
I hate the hate I feel every day.
I hate that I haven't found another way.
Another way to be, cope, deal,
another way to feel.
Someday I'll know what it's really supposed to be.
Someday, I'll see.
I trust karma will serve them right,
I trust myself to be okay in the morning, every night.
I wake up, and I don't give a shit
Then I see something that causes a fit.
I breathe, I sigh, I reminisce.
I hate, I snap, I bitch.
I'm gonna be better, more, one day.
I'm getting there, I'm on my way.

Ohhh I feel like I just let out a huge sigh after holding my breath for months. I feel like myself! I wrote a poem! And it fucking rhymes! And I feel like I can do anything right now, because I can. :]

Cause I'm Ready Now, To Let You Say Goodbye

I feel like just posting lyrics to this very appropriate, very much needed song.

Alana Davis- Jaded (Goodbye)

Here I am
where are you
You're out again
you got so much to do
But here I am
in case you wondered baby

I know we said
"Keep it free"
I know we said
that we'd agree
Yeah but I don't think
this is right for me baby, oh no

Am I faded?
Cause I don't know how to fix this
Am I jaded?
Cause I'm ready now
to let you say goodbye
my love goodbye
Check your wings
and prepare to fly
Prepare to say goodbye my love
My love

There was a time
when we were close
and our love was the fix
that we needed most
But you've run out
and so have I
And now we both need a new supply
I recall the things we did
the things I felt
and the things we said
But now our love's not so easily led
Oh oh no

Am I faded?
Cause I don't know how to fix this
Am I jaded?
Cause I'm ready now
to let you say goodbye my love
Check your wings
and prepare to fly
Prepare to say goodbye my love
So long, my love so long
To my heart you're already gone
So say goodbye my love
Goodbye

Can you feel the winds are turning?
But its okay they know where you'll be
And its an honor to feel them
It's an honor to feel them

There was a time
when I believed
That you and I still would be
something rich, something real
Baby is that what we feel?
What was that?
Who is she?
And where was I
when she took the place of me?
Who is that?
And why are you so involved?
So involved

Are we faded?
Cause I don't know how to fix this
Are we jaded?
Cause I'm ready now
to let you say goodbye
my love
Check your wings
and prepare to fly
Prepare to say goodbye my love
My love my love
So long, my love so long
To my heart you're already gone
So say goodbye my love
Goodbye

Goodbye my love
Goodbye my love
You're not my love,
oh goodbye.

All the Young Dudes, Carry the News

Now I drunk a lotta wine and I'm feelin' fine...

Mott The Hoople- All The Young Dudes.
Great fucking song.

I feel better, at this point, in all of the bullshit that's been going on lately. I actually feel better! I can breathe! I don't have to worry about him talking to me, and I don't even have the desire to talk to him. I don't have to harbor anger when we speak. I don't ever have to see him again if I don't want to. And right now I am totally okay with that. Life's getting better every damn day that he's not a part of it. And you know what? I'm not writing about it anymore after this. No more of my energy or my blogspace will be used for this bullshit. There's a whole lot more bullshit coming along and it's gonna need space too!

I'm on the way to okay though.
It's nice to say that and mean it.

I Ate My Heart Out Til, My, It Was Red

Well I want to, but I want you to not run away...

Alana Davis.
Look her up, she's got an amazing voice, and amazing lyrics.

I keep telling myself I'm going to be okay. I will be. Soon.
I talked to this guy for like 5 hours straight last night. We exchanged music. :]
I'm not sure if it'll even go anywhere, but he'd definitely be a cool friend to have if nothing else. We'll see!
Khloe, thanks for listening and talking last night. You rock. :]

Find a Safe Place, Brace Yourself, Bite Your Lips

Fall Out Boy seems to come on right when I need them.
True love, yes?

I don't really know what do to. I already wrote about what I'm feeling on a blog that no one knows about, or at least remembers anyway. I forgot it was there my damn self. I just, I don't know how to feel. I guess I should be angry. I'm just kind of disappointed. I guess that's what I'm feeling! Disappointed. I'm disappointed that it didn't work how I thought it could. Disappointed in him. Disappointed in myself a little bit. It was inevitable though. I have unresolved anger, and I don't really know what to do about it, because all the writing in the world hasn't helped me nearly enough. It's like, I know I'm gonna be okay, that's always been clear to me, and very possible. I just need to get there. I don't know how to get there.

I Don't Wanna Be What You Want Me To Be

John Legend.
Supa dupa love.

Sometimes I feel like my life is complicated.
Most days it feels too simple.
I don't want easy, I don't want hard.
I want balance. I want a challenge and I want happiness. I want things that I can't describe, things that I don't want to say out loud. Sometimes I wish for things that I know will never happen. Sometimes I wish for things I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. Sometimes I want to go back. Most of the time I like going forward. I like myself so much. Some people just need to understand that. Some people need to just accept that I am who I am. I love almost everything about myself. So many people aren't able to say that. Every hole in my face and ears is on purpose. And eventually, every ounce of ink in my body will be on purpose. And not one person can tell me otherwise. Stop making me wonder. Stop being so difficult and confusing.
People, please stop.
People, please go away.
Friends, please, come in.

When You Gonna Realize, It Was Just That the Time Was Wrong, Juliet?

The Killers doing covers of old Dire Straits' songs?
I'm pretty sure that's love.

I made a few changes to the blog, I really like it.
I made a few changes to myself that I like even more. I loveeee my stud in my lip so much. I ordered a bioplast stud though, just because metal irks me, and I'm obsessed with bioplast noserings, so I figured having one for my lip would be a good idea.
Boys stink.
But a nice, cute guy texted me today. He's sweet. I hope it actually goes somewhere...
Just sex sounds good right about now though, lol.
I want a drink, and some hookah. [Vices. EEP.]
newifnehwbe;kfiovdsnvisbvhrbevk.
Done.

Elephant Shell, You're My Cave and I've Been Hiding Out

Will you tell me a little bit about, a bit about yourself?

Tokyo Police Club are insane, insatiable love.

Ohhh I how I wish my life would change just a bit, not for the worse, not necessarily for the better. Just change. Someone come fall for me, and make me fall for you. Someone call me instead of text me. Someone ask me to hang out. Someone do something.

I'm gonna go pick up my prescription for a pill that people normally take when they're being fucked regularly. I don't know why I take it anymore. But I'm going, alone. Then to get a manicure. Alone.

Goodbye.

Something I Could Never Say

Circa Survive are the loves of my life.

I don't want to feel this feeling anymore but I let myself feel it when I'm lonely. I feel like being alone with my thoughts has become dangerous to my emotional well-being. I reminisce more then than when I lay down to sleep. And that's usually the time when my jumbled thoughts and swallowed up emotions come out like burps. Unwanted, unnecessary, hated burps of too much emotion and not enough strength to push it away forever. Sometimes I think it would be easier for me to hate. Sadly, I'll never know if that' easier because hatred is being stripped from my vocabulary. It needs to be. I need to be better. I need to be stronger. I need to be loved again so that I know that it really is real, that it actually does come more than once. And I'm glad I'm taking longer than he did. I'm glad I had to be alone longer. I think I'm better off because of it.
Sometimes I hope they aren't happy. Sometimes I hope he thinks he made a mistake. Sometimes I hope his family still likes me more. Sometimes I hope it's blown into shreds of nothing so that he feels some sort of pain like I had to.
I so dislike this part of myself. I dislike that I am so emotional. I dislike that I am regrettably bitter, and that I deny that to myself every second of every minute of every hour of every fucking day.
I must help myself. I must be better.
Will real true love find me again? I sound like a shitty romance novel, but it's something that I wonder all the time.
When?

I Wanna Wake Up in a City That Doesn't Sleep

Cat Power is loveeeee.

I want someone to fill up my free time. I want someone worth that much, worth MY time. It seems that with 60,000 people walking around campus, I could find one guy worth my time. One! But nothing. Since I stopped letting it consume me, it's really only times like these, when I'm sitting in my room watching my roommate get ready to go out with a cute, nice guy, that I wish that someone would call and ask me to go out. Or someone would even notice me...

I Can't Keep Waiting For You

Madonna; LOVEEE.

Friends don't insult each other.
Friends don't make each other feel bad about themselves.
Friends don't do shit like that. It's SO simple.
If you want to be my friend, put the bullshit aside and be my fucking friend.
I'm getting really tired of bullshit, really really tired.

P.S. You're a motherfucking asshole, and completely full of yourself. Talk to me when you wanna act like my friend.

Is the SHIT Sugar Free?

I decided I wanted to blog before I went to sleep. So I shall.

I visited UofM this weekend!! It was sooo fun, especially since we beat them!! I stayed with Courtney, who I hadn't realized I missed so damn much! We just get along really well. We hung out, went shopping, smoked hookah, and played a rousing game of Taboo (which explains my title, a nice little inside joke). I got to see not only my Michigan people, but my Dino and my Indy!! It was a really fun weekend.
Sunday I got to actually talk to Luke though. I knew I wasn't gonna see him because it was the boys' time. I was actually kind of worried about how it would be actually chilling with him for awhile. I didn't know what I would feel or say or do. I hadn't seen him since my open house! I kept wondering if I was going to be angry when I saw him, because I hadn't really been at all. When the time actually came all went pretty well, until he just HAD to say something about my lip ring. Now, this is something we never agreed on from the very day I told him I wanted one. He, as a person and as my friend, is entitled to his opinion. However, I have heard it enough times. I don't need funny stories, I don't need asshole smiles followed by "It does look really shitty though." I don't need ANY of it. And Mike's punk ass can shut the FUCK up about it. I don't care if they discussed it one time. Yes, he is also entitled to his opinion. However, we do not have the kind of friendship where I care to hear his opinion on my appearance. I don't care what anyone thinks. But for him to think that I actually have the desire, to hear anything remotely related to an opinion about me come out of his mouth, is just absurd. He is an unwarranted annoyance in the sea of people who don't like the way I look. At least other people know that they don't have the right to say anything to me. He must not understand that though.
Anyyyway, back to seeing Luke. I saw him and I don't recall a certain feeling. It was nice to see that familiar face I once loved. But he's not "my" Luke anymore. He's Luke, my friend. Seeing him just really confirmed in me that I'm over it. I let myself just release anything I was holding on to. The guy is happy, and so am I. I think parts of me are really better off. I think parts of me are better because of him. I finally feel like I learned from that relationship, and the break up, and I'm just a better me because of it. I know what I don't want in my next relationship. I know what I do. There are some characteristics of Luke that I really hope to find in someone else. And others I never want to see again...but isn't that how it goes for everyone? All I can really say is that I'm glad I got to see him, not only because I missed my friend, but because it helped me confirm things for myself that needed confirmation. I know for sure that I'm just fine with my life, past and present.
I'm happy. :]

Wrong Until, You Make It Right

The Killers = love.

Sooo I talked to my ex last night, for quite a while. It started out weird, him being a big fat douche like he can be, for no reason! I try to be the nicest person I can, I really do. I genuinely want to be his friend. First he accuses me of hating his new girlfriend, which I do NOT, because I don't hate anyone. The principles of Buddhism go against that, and so do I personally. Then, he tells me he's drank before! Of all people! He was the one telling me he didn't want me to drink in college, and that he was going to wait until he was legal.
BULLSHIT.
I was so shocked! Look who's going right along with the norm? Mr. Nonconformity!! It's whatever though. He claims if we were still together he wouldn't. That still means he'd be willing to though. But I wouldn't be drinking if we were still together either. And I wouldn't have a lip ring, and I wouldn't be saving for a tattoo, and I probably wouldn't totally love myself the way I do right now. So we must be better off. I feel better off. We can both drink, he can be happy with his new girlfriend, and I can go on loving myself more than I ever have!
Thank youuu fate.

P.S. If he keeps being a douche when we talk, what does that even mean? Does he just do it to annoy me? Is this how he is with all his friends? I'm still slightly confused on what it means to be his friend, and how he'll behave towards me. Part of me still feels like he's just being an ass. But I guess he's just being him...

All Eyes Are on You Now

Tegan and Sara.
Love.
[I think I'll be starting most posts with "________ is/are love, or something along those lines.]

I am bored with life. I don't get out as much as I'd like. I need to make more friends!

I finally got my lip pierced! It's been a bit swollen but I'm going to start doing regular sea-salt soaks. I love ittt. :]

I am officially, completely, totally apathetic about guys. I'm done showing interest unless interest is shown to me. I am done! I don't understand guys, and I'm done. Someone can woo me if they so wish, but I am not sticking my neck out anymore for anyone.

On a lighter note, I'm trying to visit my Michigan loves next weekend for the game!! I need to get a bus ticket and figure out who I'm staying with ASAP, but I wanna make this happen.
My Indy and my Dino are coming to visit this weekend!!! I'm excited. :]

I am obsessed with Nilla Cakesters. All 340 calories.
I can't eat spicy food for a month.
It's hard to eat sandwiches right now too.
It's worth it though!

That is all.

Stay or Leave

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND IS LOVE.

Am I as stupid of a girl as I feel?
I hate doing something and then waiting for the outcome.
I have no idea what's gonna happen. I feel silly now. I feel like I should've listened to my head and not my gut.
Oh well. Embarrassment isn't the worst.
Life goes on.

What I'm Searching For

Santogold is love, firstly.
Secondly; I wants me a nice agnostic/atheist/freethinker. Nice eyes. Sweet smile. Smells yummy. Makes me laugh. Talks to me, really talks to me. Not clingy. Kind. Calm, to a certain extent. Affectionate. Smart. Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink excessively. Isn't vain. Nice to his mom/sisters, etc. Music freak like myself.

Too much to ask??

I shall wait until he comes and fill my time with idle thoughts of future loves...set myself up for newness...allow the time I am single to be happy...and maybe have a few flings in the process.

I'm readyyyy.
Waiting. :]

Randoms

I should have started my paper over 2 hours ago.

Bettering oneself is hard when people have stomped all over your emotions and all that's left are the ones you don't want to feel.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself right now! I need to write this paper!

I'm horny.
I really want to meet someone.
I complain about it but deep down I know it's not a big deal, and it'll happen when it happens.
Still, I've got a rep for being quite impatient.

It was nice to go home this weekend.
I miss my dog all over again. And my daddy.
They get me.

My cousin got married.
Another reason I know love is real.
She's 43 and just found her ideal man.
It can happen now for her, and it'll happen for me again.

Jesse McCartney's CD is not that bad...
He's got some good R&B songs for a white boy, and keep in mind I'm picky as hell when it comes to R&B.

That is all.

You Know That I Could Use Somebody

So I just finished watching the debate. I really want to be a nice person, but Sarah Palin is just so dumb that it's hard. Joe Biden got in that ASS. That's all I'm gonna say...

On a different note, it seems that now, since I've given up on romance, things are just easier. I don't reminisce as much. I'm a little more carefree. My head is a little clearer. I think I'll keep with it. There's really no point in dwelling on the hope that things will happen, because I can't really make them.
I'm home for the weekend! It feels so good! I didn't realize that I really missed it. My sister literally had tears in her eyes when she hugged me. She looks different! She looks older! And my mom looks sort of different. It's odd. I'm sure it's in my head as far as my mom goes. My dog was so excited to see me! I missed the furry little bastard, lol. He's all cute and sleeping now. I'm glad to see everyone, and I can't wait to see more family this weekend! Maybe some friends too. Being away has helped me appreciate my family more.
I am so sick of going over the same things in my mind. Fighting with myself internally on how to feel. One day I'm pissed off, the next I'm apathetic, the next I'm sad! I'm sick of it. I never want to speak to her again. I've come to the point where I know that cutting off all communication is the ONLY option. And the fact that they are a real thing now makes that so much more apparent. I could never. I just, never, ever...

Why Do We Love Love, When Love Seems To Hate Us?

I haven't really had the urge to post anything on here lately. I keep missing him because I'm lonely and there's no one to start new with. One of my roommates is completely in love with her boyfriend, I see people coupling up everywhere, and I just cannot seem to get lucky... I'm just feeling detached from the idea now. I don't want to be this person. I know for a fact that I am, relative to all things important, happy. I am alive and healthy and pretty and smart and kind. So yes, I am happy by myself. But I wish someone would come around to make me just a little happier...

I Don't Like it At All

Sit down, come 'round, I need you now.
We'll work it all out together, but we're getting no where tonight...

Imogen Heap- The Moment I Said It

A lot of the time I hate writing these kinds of posts. I feel weak. I feel too human. I feel too many things. I missed him today and I despise these days because I'm sure he doesn't ever miss me. He wanted it after all, not me. And so I know it is easier, not easy, but much easier. Some days I just wonder what my life would be if we were still us. I wonder would I be sad to not see him often. I wonder if I would be happy to have the "love of my life" while everyone else desperately searched for someone who they might have a chance with. And some nights I just lay and I try so hard to remember what it felt like when he hugged me or kissed me, or even just looked at me. And I feel a pang where that piece of my heart used to be. Then I close my eyes, and I see his. And that part of my heart hurts a little more. Then I wake up and I'm better. I'm new Siobahn. I'm moving forward. I'm growing. But I have those nights. Not often. But I have them. Though they make me hurt, and feel too human, they make me smile inwardly, in a strange way. Because I was so deeply, madly and truly in love. So I know it's possible. And knowing that makes the nights a little easier, and makes being that human feel kind of okay.

And Watch How You Treat Every Living Soul

Feeling hatred is really hard for me, and I think that I felt it yesterday. I don't know what that means for me. Maybe I need to meditate more, or study my principles more. I feel like I need to be better than I am. I feel like all the bullshit in my life, and that has occurred recently is a test to me being the best person I can be, someone who really tries hard to live by Buddhist principles and be good and loving and not hateful. I've been pushed to a limit and it hurts me to feel such ugly things, and think and say such ugly things. I just want to be better. I want to feel whole again, I want to love again. I want to forget. I want to push all the ugliness out of my life and keep nothing but all the beauty and promise around me. I hope that I can do that. And I hope that next time some bullshit comes my way, I can take it, feel no hatred, and cast it off quickly. I am beyond this. I am above this. I am better than this.

So Take it As a Song or a Lesson to Learn

So if you're gonna go, then be careful, and watch how you treat every living soul.
When eyes can't look at you any other way...

Band of Horses- Detlef Schrempf

Perfect song for me right now I think. I honestly hate the feeling of anger. It makes me laugh, because I can't think of any other way to diffuse it. I hate that she is such a fucking bitch to me. It seems as though she's guilty. So my blog mentions your lies and betrayal... Maybe if you hadn't lied to and betrayed me, you wouldn't even be mentioned!! Obviously she doesn't want people reading about her "lapse in judgment". I couldn't give a fuck if I tried. Honestly, I said I forgave her, but I don't know anymore. The way she came at me today made me feel hateful, and the whole premise of my lifestyle is to avoid hatred, and be kind to everyone that I encounter. She made it so hard for me today to do that. She makes me angry. She makes me relapse, and she makes it hurt all over again. It hurt for me to lose a fucking friend! And it hurt that it was so easy for him to just move on, so soon...

And now that she's acting the way she is I don't know how to be. She's being catty and disrespectful and fucking irritating, and making me really wish I had just never let her in, or tried so hard to be a good friend to her. I put my all into that friendship. She was my support system. Or was she? I just don't understand how, while developing feelings for my ex, she could feign any sort of friendliness to me? I just don't get how she could lie and feel the way she did about him. That is having no respect for our friendship. Because a good friend is honest, and that equals respect. And that is NOT her. At all. So thinking back to when she said she didn't think she disrespected me, I think that's complete and utter bullshit. And to have the nerve to "remind" me how long it's been over between me and my ex was catty and ugly, and frankly, sounded a little unsure. Making a comment like that means she feels threatened in some way, I think.
[By the way, I counted. Her name is mentioned one time in my entire blog history. So acting like a huge cunt today was unnecessary in my eyes...]

Its not like I'll ever know, because I don't think I can ever speak to someone so full of shit again. I don't even know what I'd do if I had to see her face... I just, at this point, don't understand her at all. She's behaving in a way that I wouldn't have ever expected. And I really don't want to speak to her ever again, and I don't want to talk about the situation anymore because it makes me think too much, and it makes me hurt. I'm the ONLY one who got fucked over in any way during any of this. And for her to think that I would consider changing anything about my blog is crazy. I have no obligations to her. I don't give a flying fuck about her feelings, or anything she has to say. None of it matters to me. She's become an ugly person in my eyes, and I think that it's necessary that I disassociate myself from her and the situation. So this is the final post on it all. I'm done.

Dancing For the Cameras on the Traffic Lights

I changed my mind. I really do want to marry Anthony Green. I want to get in his head and see what makes him write this amazing fucking music.
Jordan and I had a nice talk today about relationships, and how you know you're over it, and how you'll never REALLY be over it. I came up with the "brilliant" (or so he thought) idea of dating!! What do you know?!?! Something adults have been doing for YEARS! You know, when you go on a few dates to see if spending time with someone is actually worth it. Instead of shuffling around the idea of a relationship like a fucking idiot. I'm so over "talking" or just jumping into something and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't think it's necessary. Jordan was just so amazed by the idea. "Dating!! That's a REAAALLY great idea!" he said. Just the concept excited him. And so we decided dating would be a great idea for us. He's got a girl he likes, and its so adorable. And me? Well, I'm still a little lost on finding someone dateworthy... The whole thing is that it's nothing too serious, feeling out the waters and whatnot. I think I like this "radical" idea. Its time to get back in the water. Its time to just go for it! I'm just over bullshit. I'm over myself! I'm over pitying myself. I'm over those stupid nights when I let my mind wander over into the "what ifs" and the reminiscing. It's fucking stupid, and it makes me feel like I'm not okay, when I know full well that I am. I'm fine by myself. It's not like I need someone to feel complete. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, and a good life. I'm 18, single and smart! I have no reason to be feeling sorry for myself at any time. I should be care-fucking-free.

AND I SHALL BE, DAMMIT!

We Got the Magic

Facebook might as well be called: "ADetailedHistoryOfAnyRelationshipThatisEitherInThePastOrCurrentlyTakingPlace". Because it is a detailed history of my own past. And I don't like the fact I can read love notes and wall posts and shit when I get extremely bored. This stinks. I'll be 18 in less than an hour, and here I am bitching about the fact that my only real relationship has a detailed history on the fucking internet.
Fuck technology.
It's okay to be over it and still reminisce and dwell a little bit every now and then right?? Because I'm almost positive I'm over it. I'll never be totally over it because he definitely has a little piece of my heart forever, you know? Maybe it's just inevitable that sometimes I'll miss it, or reminisce. I think I'm okay with it. I guess I was weirded out until I realized that it is okay to reminisce. I'm fine with it. And I'm almost legal!
Now if some nice boy would come along, I'd be all set...

I Got Some Time If You Wanna

My ex is a very good guy. Very good. His next girlfriend will be a very lucky girl. I'm a very lucky girl. I'm glad I didn't completely fuck up us being friends.
Moving onnnn, DANAE IS COMING FOR MY 18th BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND!!!! I am so excited. I can't wait to see her!! And go out!! The plan is to go out to eat, and then go smoke some hookah, and then party!! I'm so excited. I must get back to my homework, but right now I'd say life is pretty good. :]

Til You Arrive...

I want to marry Anthony Green.
Well, maybe not. But I want to listen to every song he's ever made. I know I'll never get tired of him.

You wanna know how I know I'm ready to get back into the dating world? I miss being in love. I miss it! Who would've thought I'd miss all those ups and downs? I guess because I know all the good and the beauty that comes along with the bullshit. I miss the butterflies and the floaty feeling, and feeling like I could do more than anything. That extra little push. Having someone totally behind you. The affection...
Yep.
I'm ready. :]

We Could Hold Each Other Tight, Tonight...

I love me some Feist. Her songs always come on right when I need them. I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, downloading music and wishing that my life would miraculously become more interesting. The hot guy that was just sitting near me has left, so that's no longer a possibility... I've come to the conclusion that meeting a nice guy wouldn't be such a horrible thing right now. Maybe the whole relationship thing isn't a total bust. I must be ready if I'm considering the possibility, right? I mean, he moved on in less than a month... So 3 months is long enough for me right? Maybe I've let go of that little thread of hope that I was holding on to. Maybe I need to just be done. It's been so over, for so long; since May! Fucking May! Well, for him anyway. I was always the one with more hope, more optimism. And I'll continue to be that person. I will not harbor any hate for her, because there is no point. I don't ever have to see her again if I don't want to. And I can be his friend because he's a good friend to have. I wouldn't want to let him go, I came to that conclusion a while ago. And cemented it a few days ago. Its obvious I can be happy on my own. I've been having a great time at school so far. I'm doing well, I'm keeping up with my classes, keeping in touch with my little sister, who makes me smile every time we talk. And I've been flirting with guys and hanging out with my amazing roommates. There is no doubt that I'm good all by myself. But I sort of miss the comfort of a relationship. And I think I'm ready to settle back into that world. :]

In Math

Boredddd.
My teacher is a fucking retard, but she's a nice lady otherwise.
I don't like the rain. Especially when my hair has been done for less than 12 hours.
I am so boreddddd.
I am determined to do something this weekend. I didn't come here to sit in my dorm all weekend.
My birthday is inching closer and closer and I cannot wait!! I need to go ahead and schedule my road test one of these coming weekends...
That is all.

No One on the Corner Has Swagger Like Us

That line is stuck in my head.

I have no clue what last night was. I think while writing that I had a moment of temporary insanity. Because my hope was granted, and I do not miss him today. I hope that I can figure things out about myself soon. Whether I am actually ready to put myself back out there again. Sometimes it feels like I am. Sometimes it feels like that's the last thing I want. I wonder if Paige hadn't betrayed me, would I have an easier time moving forward? If I didn't have to think about whether she makes him happier? It's not the fact that he has moved on. It's the fact that it is her. And she is constantly glorified by his friends as the "guy/girl" that every guy wants. Part of me wants to say "So what?". But I don't think I can say that. Because if she does make him happier then that makes the past feel like a waste. And I don't want it to be that at all...

In Bed Thoughts

I miss him right now. I don't know why but right now I miss him. I miss his smell and his lips and his hair and his smile. I miss him tonight. I didn't miss him yesterday. I hope I don't miss him tomorrow.

Whyyyy

can my ex be such a sweet caring guy?
It makes it hard to tell him he doesn't always know what's best for me.
But he cares and it shows. And I listen because I still trust him more than most people... It's hard because he's the last person I want telling me what I've done makes me look a certain way. I still don't agree with him on the whole casual sex vs. a relationship issue. If I don't want all the bullshit that comes along with a relationship, but I do want the opportunity to be sexually satisfied, then why should I be called out for it? Men do it all the time... It's an obvious double standard. I'm sure he'd care less if we didn't have such a history. And if we hadn't had sex before. He cares because he's always cared. I would love to tell him he's right, and that I'm never going to have casual sex again. I just don't know if I want to make that promise. I would very much like to have sex every now and then. Being in a relationship takes work that I don't have the energy or the capacity for right now...

Random

I am not feeling this boredom thing.
I have some reading to do. I'll get to it...
I want to meet boys. Men.
I want somewhere to GO tonight.
I feel like getting all sexy and whatnot, and turning a few heads. :]

Holla.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

I never though I'd want casual sex.
It kinda makes me miss having a boyfriend around to help out with that.
Luke and I always had the best physical chemistry...but I guess when you give yourself to someone the way we did, and let them explore every inch of you, the sex should be good.
I still think about it sometimes. It still gets me hot every time. Is that okay? Is it normal? Does it mean I'm not over it? I'm getting better at not comparing those sexual experiences to the new ones. I just hate that I gave myself so wholly to one person. It doesn't make me more self conscious though, which is a good thing. If anything it made me more sexually aware and open.

Random

Fuck Labor Day.
All you motherfuckers go home and the campus is deserted and shit.
I haven't been this bored since I arrived!!

I'm so horny. This sucks ASS.

I wanna go visit B in NY.
She sounds like she went home.
I'm so happy for her.

I miss my dog more than life.
I feel like crying when I think about his little face.
Ohhhh I cannot believe I miss him this much...

I want to download some illegal music, but I have to go off campus to do it.
And I'm lazy.

[done]

Tessellate

Dead lovers salivate, broken hearts tessellate tonight...

---Tokyo Police Club- Tessellate

tes·sel·late[adj.]

1.to form of small squares or blocks, as floors or pavements; form or arrange in a checkered or mosaic pattern.

When your heart is breaking, you can feel it physically. That is, if you've loved hard enough. I remember the first night I went to bed after Luke and I ended things. I swear I could feel my heart cracking from the pressure. I could feel it being bruised and battered. My mind raced with all the things I could have done differently. All the different "Siobahns" I could have been to make him happy. For weeks after I longed for his touch, his lips, his smell. I longed for familiarity and comfort. I longed for my best friend, and my lover alike. I longed to be loved how I had been for so many months. I longed to be us again. Never for a moment did I think anything good could come of something so "earth-shattering".
And then it did. I started to feel like I could do anything I wanted. Not that I felt contained in my relationship. Because I was going to do what I wanted regardless. There were a few things I gave up, but my relationship was definitely more important than those things. When you plan forever with someone, you learn to compromise for the overall betterment of the relationship. I did lose sight of myself sometime near the end though. I believe that's why the end felt so huge. I was desperate to keep it. Desperation can make you crazy, and it can make you forget about you.
And now my heart tessellates. I form new pieces daily. Every time I learn something new, every time I think about moving on. Every time I get excited that's a square, pushed into place. My heart is a mosaic. It is no longer a heart. It is pieces, being rebuilt. Shiny little squares, falling into place, building a new heart. A heart I am proud of. A stronger, better heart. A heart more connected to my mind and my soul than ever before.

Betrayal

Let's talk betrayal.
I've been betrayed, completely for the first time ever. By someone I trusted SO much. Someone I told everything to. It hurts. And I can't begin to forgive right now.
I don't like this hurt. I don't like having to cut off a friendship.
It's not fun. It's been difficult.
I'll be okay.
I always am.

I Know

I can only tell you what I know. And what I know is that love never really dies. Because when I think about it, if given the chance, I would rewind back to the days when I had his love. If given the chance, I'd do it all over again. If given the chance I would love him unconditionally a second time. But would he do the same? Would he go back? Would he do it all over again? Would he love me unconditionally? I don't think I'll ever know. It still hurts a little bit, but it's finally fading. I miss so much, and it feels like I have gained so little. I know what love is, true. And unfortunately I know what it feels like when it ends...I just feel like moving on isn't a choice anymore. It's happening on it's own. I think about it less. This is the first time I've thought about it in over a week.
I can't quite tell if I'm a relationship person or not. I definitely have been for two years now. But this is college...
It'll come together. The universe is mysterious.

Random Thoughts

I do not want to go to training today.
Yesterday I wanted to shoot myself in the face.

I am SO happy to be on my own. I've been much calmer since I have no one nagging me telling me what to do.
Now I just do it on my own! :]
Aren't you proud mom?

I'm hungry.
I have to buy a bus pass before I go eat.

I hope it's not so hot today.

My period won't start.
No I'm not pregnant, for that requires me getting some, which sadly, I am not.

[end]

Its here.

I can't believe I'm in college. Well, I can believe it, but it hasn't quite hit me yet. I didn't cry when my parents left, even though I sort of wanted to. I kind of want to now...but I shant! My little sister cried too. That was tough for me, to see her cry. She's just turning into a little lady, and I had to leave her. She's at the age where she can come to me for advice now, and it kind of sucks to not be there, in the flesh anyway, for her.
I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment. I'm all alone, this is not my bedroom, or my amazing bed, and I don't know what to do with myself. Not to mention I have to get up in 6 hours...I should probably try to sleep. More soon.

College

I got a haircut last week, and it's the shortest I've ever had it. I figured I'd start college off right, with a kick ass haircut and a new outlook on single life. Single life is going to be fun if it's the last thing I do. I will party, I will make out with boys, I will do all the things single girls do, because I haven't been single in two years, and I want to experience single freedom at it's best; in college. The day I move in is inching closer and closer and I'm only getting more excited. I want to be more open to meeting new people than I ever have been. I'm excited to find people who share a lot of common interests with me and who like what I like. It's been rare finding anyone around my hometown who likes Chiodos and Jay-Z equally! I just hope that I have the best experience I can, because I really want it, more than anything I want a good college experience.

Lost

I feel so empty sometimes. I was so in love. At times I still feel it. I still get a little excited when I see him. I still smile when I see him smiling. I still get that feeling when he hugs me, and the hugs are few and far between. I miss his arms. I miss his smell. I miss his hair and his lips and his eyes, oh, those eyes. I miss the warmth of his touch. I miss the kisses on my neck. I miss the pleasure. I miss laughing all the time. I miss watching TV in my basement, and eating all my food. I miss sharing guava pop. I miss his bed. I miss Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Seinfeld. I even miss Becker, and I hate that show. But I miss it because when I was watching it, he was laying next to me under the covers. I miss SO much. I have lost SO much. And what have I gained? Nothing. I still don't have my friend back. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I could tell everything to. I miss the laughter. I miss playing video games, and arguing over movies. I miss everything. I miss the lover and the friend. And now that I've learned to separate the two I miss him even more...

My life is nothing but a culmination of events all leading to who I am today. I have been a decent student, a decent daughter (thought my mother may beg to differ), and the best friend possible. I have loved, an recently, lost. I have loved with every piece of my heart, every inch of my body and mind. I have felt amazingly exhausted from loving. I have been drunk from love, blinded by it, deafened even. I have touched places and been touched. I have kissed so deeply I've felt it in my spine. I have held someone closely and never wanted to let go. I have run my fingers through soft curls and looked deep into green eyes. I have traced pink lips with fingertips and kissed warm flesh with a sacred lightness. I have held hands and felt the earth move under my feet.
I, have loved.
I now understand loving and losing. I am almost certain I feel like the most lost person ever. It's not a matter of not knowing myself, but rather not knowing where to go from here. I am really without him, and it feels so odd. It's alarming and assuring to write it. I feel like I've made such a mistake by letting love define most of my life. I was okay with is fro so long because I was promised forever. I always thought there would be a way to work through anything. I always thought we were strong.
Yet, I've taken this so much better than many would. The reason for all of this really pisses me off. The angry ex-girlfriend in me feels so much freer now. Like I have no one to please but myself. I can be whoever the fuck I chose, and do whatever the fuck I want. I will do all the things I want to. I will not love anyone who doesn't accept me completely. I deserve true, whole, unconditional, changing & growing, amazing love. And until that comes I will not waste my time. I will be better and stronger because of this.