It is officially time for my freshman Year recap. I'm not doing anything else..
Fall Semester
I arrived at Michigan State University in August of 2008, after a summer of emotional turmoil. I was beyond ready for my fresh start. I had been given the privilege of early move-in thanks to my new job in Akers/Hubbard cafeteria. [That turned out to be a mistake, but more on that later.] Getting to East Lansing was a disaster. Our truck broke down and it took at least 20 jumps to get back to our house. One of my dad's friends was kind enough to lend us their truck, and I finally arrived at West Akers Hall. I looked up at the six stories, and I was immediately psyched to get inside and start moving in. I got a cart and my parents and I loaded all my stuff into it. We rode the elevator to the third floor, and pushed it to the end of my hall, to room 369. [We had a lot of fun with that particular number combination, lol.] They helped me unload and dumped my clothes on one of the beds, hugged me goodbye and left me to it! I got most of my unpacking done, and blogged on my new pink laptop before going to sleep. For the next two days I watched painfully boring videos and got a tour of the caf that I'd be working in. My roommates arrived soon after, and we divvied up chores and whatnot. It looked like it was going to be an amazing year.
Welcome week was up next. We explored campus and went to a really fun event at the Union, and even scoured the streets for our first college party. [We found one, and it ended in a fight not too long after me and Simone shared a disgusting beer] We bought bus passes, books, and got the last few things we needed for the room. We were ready! [There was also a terrible hook-up this month, but I'll leave it at that.]
In September, I turned 18 and decided I wanted to go smoke hookah, so Kristle came up to celebrate with me which was really cool of her. Simone and I were the only ones who actually smoked. We went party hunting with little success. It was still a good birthday though! I was beginning to really get the hang of campus and all my classes. Things were good. I was still occasionally dwelling on my break up from the summer, but I was also hating single life. Near the end of the month however, I was betrayed by someone I thought was my friend. That sent me on an emotional rollercoaster that I was not prepared for. I did and said things I'm not proud of. It was really tough though, really really tough. My best friends really helped me through it though.
October was better. I was still occasionally reeling over the situation the month before, but for the most part I was good. I pierced my lip, something I'd always wanted. I visited UofM for the Michigan/Michigan State football game, and that was TONS of fun. I was also fighting with myself internally on whether Luke and I were ever going to be successful friends. It didn't seem likely. Halloween was a BALL. I went to this great party at the Union dressed as a bunny and had so much fun.
November rolled up and I was feeling the strain of single life once more. I had given up on any friendship with my ex, which was helpful for me, but I was still lonely. There was a short blow up over a poem I wrote about the situation in September, and it was ugly, but I got over that too. Then I met a boy. And I fell SO hard. So, so hard.
December came out of NOWHERE. I had a boyfriend in the first week. It was bliss, he was amazing, and sweet, and caring and he made me laugh, and when he kissed me.. There wasn't much blogging, break was pretty boring. I saw him a lot less than I had planned, but that didn't make it any harder for me to fall in love with him. And I was so glad that 2008 was over.
2009 began, and I didn't even get to spend it with him. I was sad, but it was beyond anyone's control. January meant going back to school, and that meant leaving him. I thought we were good on being away, we were away from each other for most of our relationship anyway. But he wasn't telling me he missed me and he wasn't making any definite attempts to visit. And then it was over, and I was over the entire thing. The entire idea. It still puzzles me to this day what happened, and I'll probably never know. But I got a best friend out of it, so I'm at peace for the most part. I wouldn't mind knowing someday..
February. Eh. Nothing really happened. It was a boring month. I was still holding on to feelings. I was unintentionally waiting for him to come back to me. But then I realized that it was never going to be what I hoped for. And I buried everything 6 feet down in the depths of my heart. I was done. I was even a little angry. I felt as though time had been wasted. I still don't know if it was a waste or not. But February was hard in that aspect.
March was even more boring. I developed a crush on a guy at State, that was the most exciting part.
April was interesting. I learned things that were appalling. I smoked pot. I got a tattoo that I LOVE. I got to see my friends for Easter weekend. I fell back into a little something with someone. It felt okay. I was being very cautious as far as emotions went, but for the most part it seemed safe enough. Near the end of the month, I felt something coming up though. I debated on whether I was making good choices, and finally I decided I would be just fine, and I would go along with my summer as planned.
Now it's May, and I'm done with my freshman year. My grades aren't nearly as good as last semester, but I'll get back on top of things next semester for sure. I'm still fooling with the same dumb boy I call a best friend. He seems to be hanging on like a flea on a stray dog! All jokes aside, he's perfect as what he is. I'm making sure to check myself everyday in case I need to just cut it off to save any hurt. I start chem next week, and work next month. Summer should be quite interesting.
Last but not least, I am ending this blog. It has run it's course. At 96 posts, it has done more for me than some people have. It has been here for my ups and downs, all my pain, all my joy, all my conflicts. It has truly saved me by giving me a place to write. It is also full of so many things that I'm ready to put behind me. Two failed relationships and a year of college later, it's time to move forward. "yltfos os keaps", thank you so much. You'll always be here for me to look at if I feel myself slipping back into old emotions or bad habits.
Goodbye.
12 May 2009
11 May 2009
Anything Other
I should just stop.
All the things that feel pointless at times, feel so worth it at others.
I know that I am capable of so much. I know what kind of person I am.
Who sees me?
Who doesn't?
Who never will?
All the things that feel pointless at times, feel so worth it at others.
I know that I am capable of so much. I know what kind of person I am.
Who sees me?
Who doesn't?
Who never will?
09 May 2009
I Can Do Better
Today, it rained, and the lines I drew with my sidewalk chalk washed away.
It's gonna take a while to draw them again, but please don't cross just because you can't see them. They're still there.
They aren't going anywhere. I promise.
It's gonna take a while to draw them again, but please don't cross just because you can't see them. They're still there.
They aren't going anywhere. I promise.
06 May 2009
Cause We're All Fucked Up
And do you really think that it's worth it,
to be all worried about time, worried about time?
Anthony Green, true love, all day every damn day.
Tomorrow is my last final and last quiz, and then I will have completed my freshman year of college. I will then go home, and immediately begin trying to work, and in another week or so, start taking Chemistry. This is going to be quite the summer. I'm gonna go see about getting my license Thursday on my way home, as well as registering for my class. If I can have my license by June-ish, this summer will be SO much more fun, as well as easier on my mom, as far as shuttling me around goes.
I'll be blogging about my entire freshman year soon enough, probably sometime this weekend if not sooner.
I want things that I cannot have. It's bothering me a whoooole lot, mostly because I don't want to want these things, but I want them anyway. I'm just confused. I need to slow down and make the decision that's right for me, even if it's not what I want at the time. Looking at the long run, I need to do the things I don't want to now, in order to get to a place where my life is exactly how I'd like it. And it's sad because I know I'm worthy, and I know certain things could be good now, but I also know there's a slim chance they ever will be. That tears at my heart just a little bit. I'm a big girl though. I make big girl decisions and do big girl things, and do the shit I don't wanna do, because I know it's right, and I know I have to grow up at some point in time. Why not start small now?
To a few people: [I'm feeling like this is going to become a recurring thing. Just go with it, lol]
--Fall, the fuck, back.
--What do you want?
--Open your fucking EYES. [This goes to more than one person.]
--I miss you, oddly enough. It'll pass. Always does.
--I want you to do everything you ever wanted to do. You deserve success more than anyone I know.
to be all worried about time, worried about time?
Anthony Green, true love, all day every damn day.
Tomorrow is my last final and last quiz, and then I will have completed my freshman year of college. I will then go home, and immediately begin trying to work, and in another week or so, start taking Chemistry. This is going to be quite the summer. I'm gonna go see about getting my license Thursday on my way home, as well as registering for my class. If I can have my license by June-ish, this summer will be SO much more fun, as well as easier on my mom, as far as shuttling me around goes.
I'll be blogging about my entire freshman year soon enough, probably sometime this weekend if not sooner.
I want things that I cannot have. It's bothering me a whoooole lot, mostly because I don't want to want these things, but I want them anyway. I'm just confused. I need to slow down and make the decision that's right for me, even if it's not what I want at the time. Looking at the long run, I need to do the things I don't want to now, in order to get to a place where my life is exactly how I'd like it. And it's sad because I know I'm worthy, and I know certain things could be good now, but I also know there's a slim chance they ever will be. That tears at my heart just a little bit. I'm a big girl though. I make big girl decisions and do big girl things, and do the shit I don't wanna do, because I know it's right, and I know I have to grow up at some point in time. Why not start small now?
To a few people: [I'm feeling like this is going to become a recurring thing. Just go with it, lol]
--Fall, the fuck, back.
--What do you want?
--Open your fucking EYES. [This goes to more than one person.]
--I miss you, oddly enough. It'll pass. Always does.
--I want you to do everything you ever wanted to do. You deserve success more than anyone I know.
Cause I know what you want,
I think I know.
03 May 2009
Bounce Back To Me
Complacency, I always thought, was for the weak.
But I am strong, and I am complacent.
I put up with things I could easily change. And for what?
Because they make me happy. Despite their shortcomings, they make me happy.
I also just took the time to really contemplate my header outside of it's beauty.
My one question is this;
is he coming or going? Has he been inside her, or is he about to be?
I study her face and all I can feel is a woman in passion.
What I don't know is whether it is the passion of anticipation, or the passion at the end..
But I am strong, and I am complacent.
I put up with things I could easily change. And for what?
Because they make me happy. Despite their shortcomings, they make me happy.
I also just took the time to really contemplate my header outside of it's beauty.
My one question is this;
is he coming or going? Has he been inside her, or is he about to be?
I study her face and all I can feel is a woman in passion.
What I don't know is whether it is the passion of anticipation, or the passion at the end..
02 May 2009
Loving You Is Like a Battle
It could be simple.
But things will never be that way.
And that's what keeps me coming and going simultaneously.
But things will never be that way.
And that's what keeps me coming and going simultaneously.
28 April 2009
Don't Be Fooled
To a few people:
--I could never hate you.
--I wish I could hate you, but I can't.
--I used to hate you, but not anymore. Doesn't mean I like you.
--I still hate you and I don't know when I won't.
--I'll always hate you.
Had to get that off my chest. Now for the real post!
--I could never hate you.
--I wish I could hate you, but I can't.
--I used to hate you, but not anymore. Doesn't mean I like you.
--I still hate you and I don't know when I won't.
--I'll always hate you.
Had to get that off my chest. Now for the real post!
Today at dinner, my friends wanted to know why I was agnostic because they all thought that I had some terrible experience that made me stop believing. M was trying to explain that until we actually try to live life in a fully religious way, we can't really decide between the two, whether god is real or not, and he was talking about how really embracing religion has brought him a lot of peace and joy.
I explained to him that I never really felt the kind of peace I do now until I really made the conscious decision to become agnostic, and it was cool, cause I hadn't really realized that myself until today. I feel a certain peace knowing that I've made a conscious decision that included a lot of questioning, and a lot of reading (and still does). There are still a lot of things that I can learn, and a lot of ways that I can grow, but I'm peaceful in my agnosticism.
It also solidified my decisions on how I want to raise my children. I will love my children no matter what they choose to believe, as long as it brings them peace. I will answer every question they have, I will take them to church if they want to go to church, I will buy them books, I will show them websites, I will allow them all the information they need. I just want them to make a conscious decision, just as I did. The only difference will be that they'll hopefully be able to have that peace a lot earlier than I did.
A few Buddhist principles here and there don't hurt either. They help me stay on track as I kind, responsible human being, even though I know deep down in my heart I am a kind person, sometimes it's easy to fall off.
"All we are is a result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."
--Siddhartha Gautama
I'm working on the bad things from the beginning of the post. One day at a time.
27 April 2009
Take Me As I Am My Friend
I think I want something that I know[?] I can't have.
I don't want to want it.
I'll just push it to the back of my mind.
That's where love goes to die..
I don't want to want it.
I'll just push it to the back of my mind.
That's where love goes to die..
24 April 2009
21 April 2009
More Like Floating
I feel like I'm floating through these last few weeks. My focus is terrible. I don't know how I'm gonna study for finals..
I can't decide what I want anymore because the worrisome part of me is intruding upon the little fort I call my emotional strength, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to hold back the army of feelings trying to push through. I know I can hold them off right now, at least for a little while longer. But they are weakening me slowly, and they don't give up. I hope I don't have to throw up the white flag, because that would be so hard, and it would really suck. Not only for me, but for the army of feelings who actually wanted to make it through that fort and get to my heart. Because when you throw up the white flag, you give up, you don't give them what they want, you just give up. And giving up is worse than fighting back.
I can't decide what I want anymore because the worrisome part of me is intruding upon the little fort I call my emotional strength, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to hold back the army of feelings trying to push through. I know I can hold them off right now, at least for a little while longer. But they are weakening me slowly, and they don't give up. I hope I don't have to throw up the white flag, because that would be so hard, and it would really suck. Not only for me, but for the army of feelings who actually wanted to make it through that fort and get to my heart. Because when you throw up the white flag, you give up, you don't give them what they want, you just give up. And giving up is worse than fighting back.
20 April 2009
They Always Come Home
Despite the fact that I've recently found joy in singledom, there's still a part of me that wouldn't mind being swept off her feet.
I know I've made it a rule not to get into a relationship because I'm enjoying myself, and don't get me wrong, I am! But aren't there always exceptions to a rule?
I just wanna keep being as happy as I am now, and I don't care who means what to me anymore to be happy, I just want them to mean a lot.
I'm realizing that just because I said didn't want a relationship, that doesn't make me any less of the relationship-type.
Damn.
I know I've made it a rule not to get into a relationship because I'm enjoying myself, and don't get me wrong, I am! But aren't there always exceptions to a rule?
I just wanna keep being as happy as I am now, and I don't care who means what to me anymore to be happy, I just want them to mean a lot.
I'm realizing that just because I said didn't want a relationship, that doesn't make me any less of the relationship-type.
Damn.
18 April 2009
You Even Gave Me My Own Number To Put In Your Pager
And when you count my money,
you look so sexy to me..
MIKE POSNER PLEASE MARRY ME.
I am happy. I am so honestly, truly, happy.
Sure, I'm worried about my math grade, and not finding a Chem class for summer, but those are MINIMAL worries, compared to some of the shit that could be going wrong in my life. I am honestly cheerful, and smiley, and happy, and wonderful. I cannot WAIT to go home and see everyone I miss so much, and hole up in the batcave for hours and hours with my superhero. ;)
I feel like this year I gained much better control of my emotions. I used to be so overemotional, and I used to invest way too much in things. I understand what it really means to be single and embrace it. Sure, I tripped and busted my ass once, but I got up and brushed myself off, slapped some Neosporin on that bitch, and kept it moving! And the scar turned out to be kinda cool..
I foresee a very fun, very "satisfying", and very interesting summer ahead of me. I'm ready. :)
You could have my heart or we
can share it like the last slice..
you look so sexy to me..
MIKE POSNER PLEASE MARRY ME.
I am happy. I am so honestly, truly, happy.
Sure, I'm worried about my math grade, and not finding a Chem class for summer, but those are MINIMAL worries, compared to some of the shit that could be going wrong in my life. I am honestly cheerful, and smiley, and happy, and wonderful. I cannot WAIT to go home and see everyone I miss so much, and hole up in the batcave for hours and hours with my superhero. ;)
I feel like this year I gained much better control of my emotions. I used to be so overemotional, and I used to invest way too much in things. I understand what it really means to be single and embrace it. Sure, I tripped and busted my ass once, but I got up and brushed myself off, slapped some Neosporin on that bitch, and kept it moving! And the scar turned out to be kinda cool..
I foresee a very fun, very "satisfying", and very interesting summer ahead of me. I'm ready. :)
can share it like the last slice..
14 April 2009
You Have Made That A Possibility
We can take that step to see,
if this is really gonna be..
Floetry = amazinggg.
I never get sick of this song.
I cannot believe I'm blogging based on the last tweet I made, but I am!
"Trust me, it's not gonna happen." I realized that this applies to SO many people in my life right now. It's crazy. These people will now be addressed:
--Trust me, it's not gonna happen. WE are not gonna happen. You're so many things, but you're not that for me, and I'm not that for you, even though you think I am. Keep it simple as it should be.
--I'm very much in control of my emotions at this point in my life. I like us just where we are. Trust me, it's not gonna happen. Feelings aren't gonna happen, hope isn't gonna happen. It's perfection right now.
--I will never, ever be what you want. I'll never be good enough for you. I'll never be you. Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--You are a sick person. You are sick. The fact that people put up with you is crazy. The fact that people forgive you, is insane! I know what you did, I know you tried to ruin something. So being your friend, and being cool with you? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--I don't understand you anymore. I don't think I ever will again. Hold on to a relationship that isn't worth holding on to? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--I'm so glad we're tighter than ever. Let you go? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--You call that an apology? Because as I recall I was NOT in the wrong. You fucked up YOUR weekend, not me. So accepting your half-assed, self-righteous apology? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
All because of a simple tweet.
This blog will mainly be composed of me complaining about it not being summer yet. I miss everyoneeee. Coming home Easter weekend and hanging with everyone was such a TEASE. And my good stuff is too far away dammit. TOO FAR. I wanna be home. Now.
All you gotta do is say yes,
don't deny what you feel,
let me undress you baby..
if this is really gonna be..
Floetry = amazinggg.
I never get sick of this song.
I cannot believe I'm blogging based on the last tweet I made, but I am!
"Trust me, it's not gonna happen." I realized that this applies to SO many people in my life right now. It's crazy. These people will now be addressed:
--Trust me, it's not gonna happen. WE are not gonna happen. You're so many things, but you're not that for me, and I'm not that for you, even though you think I am. Keep it simple as it should be.
--I'm very much in control of my emotions at this point in my life. I like us just where we are. Trust me, it's not gonna happen. Feelings aren't gonna happen, hope isn't gonna happen. It's perfection right now.
--I will never, ever be what you want. I'll never be good enough for you. I'll never be you. Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--You are a sick person. You are sick. The fact that people put up with you is crazy. The fact that people forgive you, is insane! I know what you did, I know you tried to ruin something. So being your friend, and being cool with you? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--I don't understand you anymore. I don't think I ever will again. Hold on to a relationship that isn't worth holding on to? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--I'm so glad we're tighter than ever. Let you go? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
--You call that an apology? Because as I recall I was NOT in the wrong. You fucked up YOUR weekend, not me. So accepting your half-assed, self-righteous apology? Trust me, it's not gonna happen.
All because of a simple tweet.
This blog will mainly be composed of me complaining about it not being summer yet. I miss everyoneeee. Coming home Easter weekend and hanging with everyone was such a TEASE. And my good stuff is too far away dammit. TOO FAR. I wanna be home. Now.
All you gotta do is say yes,
don't deny what you feel,
let me undress you baby..
12 April 2009
Full of Trepedations and Fears to Guide Me
I been holding back so long,
thinkin' I'm just not that strong.
So how can I give you the benefit,
with everything that's gone down?
How can I give you the benefit?
When all I have is doubt...
Alana Davis please make another albummmm. PLEASE.
This weekend was a fun one, even though I only did one thing I intended upon doing. It was the right choice though! Saw all my baybehs. Partook in some "festivities" that left a smile on my face for the remainder of the night. [Okay, okay, it's still there..]
Now I'm bored as hell. Still haven't told my mommy about my tattoo. Whompity whomp. I have a math quiz but I feel like shit so I half-studied. I think I'm going to sleep soon. I'm gonna miss all my peoples these last few weeks of school. I'm ready to be done dammit! Fuck finals!
I'm gonna miss someone in particular. I hate getting good stuff and then having to go without for a long time. Grrrr.
This has been a terribly random blog. Sorry. I'm sick, I can't think straight. I think I'll sleep now..
thinkin' I'm just not that strong.
So how can I give you the benefit,
with everything that's gone down?
How can I give you the benefit?
When all I have is doubt...
Alana Davis please make another albummmm. PLEASE.
This weekend was a fun one, even though I only did one thing I intended upon doing. It was the right choice though! Saw all my baybehs. Partook in some "festivities" that left a smile on my face for the remainder of the night. [Okay, okay, it's still there..]
Now I'm bored as hell. Still haven't told my mommy about my tattoo. Whompity whomp. I have a math quiz but I feel like shit so I half-studied. I think I'm going to sleep soon. I'm gonna miss all my peoples these last few weeks of school. I'm ready to be done dammit! Fuck finals!
I'm gonna miss someone in particular. I hate getting good stuff and then having to go without for a long time. Grrrr.
This has been a terribly random blog. Sorry. I'm sick, I can't think straight. I think I'll sleep now..
09 April 2009
So I'm Swimming, More Like Floating
And I'll just stay out here,
until the night comes crashing down..
New playlist. That^ is what you're hearing right now.
Minus the Bear never ceases to amaze me, and this song is haunting and beautiful and amazing, all the while being simple. The riffs, I can't even being to explain...
New layout too. Some fresh new James Jean artwork for the header, of course.
I'm trying to make it through these last few weeks but my motivation is lowwww. I miss everyone, I miss all my friends, I miss some moreso than others. And there's a new friend who I definitely hope to see more of this summer too.
New things that have happened in the past few weeks:
--I smoked pot. From a bong. It was so many different things, I can't even explain it.
--I got tatted! "Pati", Latin prefix for patience and passion; also means "suffer"; idea is that you can't have patience without suffering. I'm in love with it!
--I'm going to prom again! I'm almost certain it'll be better than my own.
I've been contemplating a lot of things, especially the way I wanna spend my summer. I'm determined to make the right choices that will make it as fun and productive as possible. I've been stupidly hopeful about some things, but I've gotten myself back on track with no help from anyone but me. I just can't help but have hope. And some situations/people just don't call for any hope at all.
All in all, I'm happy with everything. These last few weeks will be work filled, but I look forward to getting out of that last final and going home to everyone I love!
until the night comes crashing down..
New playlist. That^ is what you're hearing right now.
Minus the Bear never ceases to amaze me, and this song is haunting and beautiful and amazing, all the while being simple. The riffs, I can't even being to explain...
New layout too. Some fresh new James Jean artwork for the header, of course.
I'm trying to make it through these last few weeks but my motivation is lowwww. I miss everyone, I miss all my friends, I miss some moreso than others. And there's a new friend who I definitely hope to see more of this summer too.
New things that have happened in the past few weeks:
--I smoked pot. From a bong. It was so many different things, I can't even explain it.
--I got tatted! "Pati", Latin prefix for patience and passion; also means "suffer"; idea is that you can't have patience without suffering. I'm in love with it!
--I'm going to prom again! I'm almost certain it'll be better than my own.
I've been contemplating a lot of things, especially the way I wanna spend my summer. I'm determined to make the right choices that will make it as fun and productive as possible. I've been stupidly hopeful about some things, but I've gotten myself back on track with no help from anyone but me. I just can't help but have hope. And some situations/people just don't call for any hope at all.
All in all, I'm happy with everything. These last few weeks will be work filled, but I look forward to getting out of that last final and going home to everyone I love!
07 April 2009
When It Hurts So Bad
I honestly really feel C's blog right now.
You don't know anyone the way you think you do.
You can't really rely on everyone you think you can.
CJ, SN, LB, KM, DH, SV. Those are my main people. Those are my most trusted friends. They are the ones I love the most.
The rest just seem to be in the midst of situations, and conversations. The rest have yet to earn any keep in my life.
"I'm tired of friends saying they love each other when they don't."
I'm tired too.
Lies like these are just uncalled for. Behavior like this is just heartbreaking.
I wanna cry for you. I don't feel exactly what you feel but I know the outlines of the emotions you're experiencing. I've been on that street. I lived in that house before you. I cried on the same bed of lies. You aren't alone. I wanna cry for you, and fight for you, and tell you you aren't alone, despite feeling as though you can't talk to anyone. I just wish it wouldn't have happened to you this way.
And you? You know I hate you already..
And you? I can't even begin..
I'm sick over it.
Sick..
28 March 2009
You Can Close Your Eyes and Never Be Alone
Thinking about you, I feel the taste of the sea
In the sand grains, I am rolling
Bebel Gilberto - Close Your Eyes
I kind of don't wanna blog about this guy. Because it'll be the second time, and I'll start feeling like a creep writing about him when he has no clue that I really like him. It's weird, and rare, but he sort of calms me. I listen to him, I let someone else talk for a change. It's surprising, and I feel like he's good, but I don't know if he sees me as anything more but a friend. And me putting myself out there isn't easy anymore. Not with someone I feel myself investing in. I almost want to pull back, because at this point I don't want a relationship, but I still want him. I want him sooo bad. When I see him, I feel myself smiling in the most genuine way when he smiles, and when he says something funny. When I laugh it is full and sincere. It scares me how raw I let my smiles and laughs get around him. And I've been thinking about what it'd be like to kiss those full, soft-looking lips. It's terrible how my thoughts wander, but I crave a kiss from him, just to taste, just to see what it feels like.
I bet he'd find this odd and possibly creepy, but I figure he won't ever read it. And if he does, hopefully he'll know I feel this way before he reads it. I'd like to make it more obvious, but I'm holding back for a sign from him, I think. But I'm probably just holding back...
Since the day I left, from the start
I can feel megabytes of memories in my heart
Wish I disappear and wake up in some other place
Where there's no pain or fear, it's simple like 'Hello'
In the sand grains, I am rolling
Bebel Gilberto - Close Your Eyes
I kind of don't wanna blog about this guy. Because it'll be the second time, and I'll start feeling like a creep writing about him when he has no clue that I really like him. It's weird, and rare, but he sort of calms me. I listen to him, I let someone else talk for a change. It's surprising, and I feel like he's good, but I don't know if he sees me as anything more but a friend. And me putting myself out there isn't easy anymore. Not with someone I feel myself investing in. I almost want to pull back, because at this point I don't want a relationship, but I still want him. I want him sooo bad. When I see him, I feel myself smiling in the most genuine way when he smiles, and when he says something funny. When I laugh it is full and sincere. It scares me how raw I let my smiles and laughs get around him. And I've been thinking about what it'd be like to kiss those full, soft-looking lips. It's terrible how my thoughts wander, but I crave a kiss from him, just to taste, just to see what it feels like.
I bet he'd find this odd and possibly creepy, but I figure he won't ever read it. And if he does, hopefully he'll know I feel this way before he reads it. I'd like to make it more obvious, but I'm holding back for a sign from him, I think. But I'm probably just holding back...
I can feel megabytes of memories in my heart
Wish I disappear and wake up in some other place
Where there's no pain or fear, it's simple like 'Hello'
19 March 2009
If You Find Yourself Falling Apart
Ohhh why can't it feel good when life fucks me? Then I'd have no
reason for boys, no reason for a constant barrage of thoughts in my
mind about him, and him, and sex, and sex...
If life fucking me hard felt good? I'd be SO satisfied. But it doesn't
feel like anything. So I keep thinking of him. And him. Sex, and sex.
Oh well...
reason for boys, no reason for a constant barrage of thoughts in my
mind about him, and him, and sex, and sex...
If life fucking me hard felt good? I'd be SO satisfied. But it doesn't
feel like anything. So I keep thinking of him. And him. Sex, and sex.
Oh well...
17 March 2009
Stolen What You Can't Afford
What's that muffled beating?
I'm happy to be back at school, partly because I saw him yesterday, and he gave me two hugs. I jumbled my words when we first spoke. I never do that. Does that mean I really like him? Should I be that nervous? I shouldn't be wondering if he thinks about me when he hasn't seen me in a while, but I do. I purposefully have left as much emotion as possible out of the equation, because I won't put myself out there for someone the way I did last time. I won't repeat that mistake. Oh, but the boy is cute. He makes me laugh, and I can feel my stomach do that stupid little flippy thing when he holds on to my waist for just an extra second after we've hugged. And there is no chance of me putting my all my eggs in one basket (for lack of a better phrase), but he's got a few of them.
Another guy; I think of him, and last I dreamt of him. We weren't alone, and then we were. We laughed, and then we kissed, and kissed, and kissed. His hands were all over me, and I wanted every bit of it. I hate myself for dreaming it, and then considering it. I could never. We could never. I won't allow myself to be that girl, because I've seen that girl, I've been friends with that girl, and that girl hurt me in a way where I'll never be the same. I will never. We will never...
I'm happy to be back at school, partly because I saw him yesterday, and he gave me two hugs. I jumbled my words when we first spoke. I never do that. Does that mean I really like him? Should I be that nervous? I shouldn't be wondering if he thinks about me when he hasn't seen me in a while, but I do. I purposefully have left as much emotion as possible out of the equation, because I won't put myself out there for someone the way I did last time. I won't repeat that mistake. Oh, but the boy is cute. He makes me laugh, and I can feel my stomach do that stupid little flippy thing when he holds on to my waist for just an extra second after we've hugged. And there is no chance of me putting my all my eggs in one basket (for lack of a better phrase), but he's got a few of them.
Another guy; I think of him, and last I dreamt of him. We weren't alone, and then we were. We laughed, and then we kissed, and kissed, and kissed. His hands were all over me, and I wanted every bit of it. I hate myself for dreaming it, and then considering it. I could never. We could never. I won't allow myself to be that girl, because I've seen that girl, I've been friends with that girl, and that girl hurt me in a way where I'll never be the same. I will never. We will never...
12 March 2009
Close Your Eyes
I haven't had a real blog since February 24th. I wonder what that says about my current state of mind. I'm also blogging at 4:30am, which probably says even more about my current state. I am a little lost, and yet still a little found. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder if I can someday love all the things that I hate. It pisses me off that I feel just a little more validated when I'm aware that someone wouldn't mind seeing me naked, that someone would enjoy it even. I dislike myself for feeling empowered because someone wants to have sex with me.
I debate though, even as I write this, especially as I write this. Is it terrible that I feel sexy when someone thinks that I am? Or am I just feeding off of it, in a more positive way? I like that my body can give me control. I like that even when I might not feel my sexiest, I can still put on a front and act like a sultry, sexy temptress. Someone told me I should act, that they could see me doing that. And as I think about it, I understand why. The core of me desires to be whatever you desire. I will be what you need. If you need a friend, if you need a flirt, if you need someone to hold you and tell you it'll be okay as a mother would do, if you need someone who'll make you laugh; I will be that for you. Is that good? Is that bad? I have no idea. But I know that making people feel like I'm what they need makes me feel good. Being there for someone else makes me feel good. And thinking back on the sexy thing, isn't that all I'm letting someone else do? In thinking that I'm sexy, and telling me, they're being what I need. They're telling me that so that I think I'm sexy. Although I might not believe it all the time, the thought that someone thinks I'm sexy? Just shows that someone was what I needed, for once in my life...
I debate though, even as I write this, especially as I write this. Is it terrible that I feel sexy when someone thinks that I am? Or am I just feeding off of it, in a more positive way? I like that my body can give me control. I like that even when I might not feel my sexiest, I can still put on a front and act like a sultry, sexy temptress. Someone told me I should act, that they could see me doing that. And as I think about it, I understand why. The core of me desires to be whatever you desire. I will be what you need. If you need a friend, if you need a flirt, if you need someone to hold you and tell you it'll be okay as a mother would do, if you need someone who'll make you laugh; I will be that for you. Is that good? Is that bad? I have no idea. But I know that making people feel like I'm what they need makes me feel good. Being there for someone else makes me feel good. And thinking back on the sexy thing, isn't that all I'm letting someone else do? In thinking that I'm sexy, and telling me, they're being what I need. They're telling me that so that I think I'm sexy. Although I might not believe it all the time, the thought that someone thinks I'm sexy? Just shows that someone was what I needed, for once in my life...
05 March 2009
Randoms
First time that I saw you boy
It was a warm and sunny day
All I know is I wanted you
I really hoped you looked my way...
Erykah Badu. LOVE.
--I am SO close to break. After I take this quiz in like 2 hours, I'M DONE, SON.
--I'm fucking horny. Sex is on my mind entirely too much.
--I can't wait to eat my mommy's food. :)
--I miss my dog. My dad almost lost him. There would've been hell to pay...
--I need to get back to writing more often, and stick to the way I've been writing when I get the itch. I love the last few pieces I've written. A lot of what I've written is really love-focused, but on the light side. Now things are getting darker. I wonder what that says about me...
--I seriously need some pinapple-orange juice.
--Turned my back and then you slipped me a Mickey! Certainly, certainly, certainly not meeeee...
--I can't wait for summer. I want to wear flimsy dresses and flip flops, and not care about my hair, and hardly ever wear make-up because the sun evens out my skin. I can't wait to go to Cali with Lindsey, and go the the beach, and swim in the ocean for the first time in AGES.
--I have cramps. :(
--SLIPPED ME A MICKEY! [I'm done.]
--Falling in love is WAY overrated. It's beautiful and all, but it's overrated in many ways. I don't want to elaborate, so don't ask.
--Gotta shower and study. I'll have a real blog sometime soon.
Here I am, on a cloud
If you only take the chance try love out loud
As I drift through the sky
Shooting cupid's loving arrow you just might try
So don't miss me, take your time
You've only got one chance, yes
It was a warm and sunny day
All I know is I wanted you
I really hoped you looked my way...
Erykah Badu. LOVE.
--I am SO close to break. After I take this quiz in like 2 hours, I'M DONE, SON.
--I'm fucking horny. Sex is on my mind entirely too much.
--I can't wait to eat my mommy's food. :)
--I miss my dog. My dad almost lost him. There would've been hell to pay...
--I need to get back to writing more often, and stick to the way I've been writing when I get the itch. I love the last few pieces I've written. A lot of what I've written is really love-focused, but on the light side. Now things are getting darker. I wonder what that says about me...
--I seriously need some pinapple-orange juice.
--Turned my back and then you slipped me a Mickey! Certainly, certainly, certainly not meeeee...
--I can't wait for summer. I want to wear flimsy dresses and flip flops, and not care about my hair, and hardly ever wear make-up because the sun evens out my skin. I can't wait to go to Cali with Lindsey, and go the the beach, and swim in the ocean for the first time in AGES.
--I have cramps. :(
--SLIPPED ME A MICKEY! [I'm done.]
--Falling in love is WAY overrated. It's beautiful and all, but it's overrated in many ways. I don't want to elaborate, so don't ask.
--Gotta shower and study. I'll have a real blog sometime soon.
If you only take the chance try love out loud
As I drift through the sky
Shooting cupid's loving arrow you just might try
So don't miss me, take your time
You've only got one chance, yes
24 February 2009
Rollin` in the Dough
I see you starin' at that new vehicle/pockets got a sixth sense all they see is dead people
Big Sean can get it, no questions asked, lol.
I'm feeling quite relieved at the present moment. I have an answer to a question that I've had for awhile, and I have new views on the coming months, and especially the coming summer, because of it.
I'm back at the point where I don't understand why I don't have somebody who wants me in the way that I want to be wanted. And I know that sounds weird and confusing, but I believe that I'm a caring, trustworthy, good, beautiful person. I'm not being conceited, in fact I think it's good that I view myself in a positive way. However, it puzzles me as to why I can't find someone who appreciates that, and who wants to give me something special. Thinking that you've found that, and then losing it is really annoying, and can make you bitter, which is how I feel sometimes. I feel bitter that I couldn't have what I wanted, that I lost what I thought we'd found together. And though I feel somewhat content with the current relationship I have with that person, it's still in the back of my mind. [Taking a page from Kieona here and from now on.] I keep thinking about what C said, about him not being good enough for me anyway, and that makes me feel better regardless of whether it's true or not. I've been weighing it within myself, and in some ways, it's true, he isn't good enough for me. And in other ways he's perfect and it pisses me off that I don't have him how I've wanted him since I got close to him. It'll take me a few days to move past the annoyances and the bitterness, but I am. Everyone keeps assuring me, I'll find someone deserving, because it's clear he doesn't deserve me in that way. Feelings and him don't mix, that's clear, and I won't waste anymore of mine on someone who does not deserve them. Hopefully there's a man out there that does, and that will realize that I'm what they want and need, and that they'll be the same for me. I just have to be patient, something I'm not very good at, but I'm going to try...
You let go, and I'll let go too.
Big Sean can get it, no questions asked, lol.
I'm feeling quite relieved at the present moment. I have an answer to a question that I've had for awhile, and I have new views on the coming months, and especially the coming summer, because of it.
I'm back at the point where I don't understand why I don't have somebody who wants me in the way that I want to be wanted. And I know that sounds weird and confusing, but I believe that I'm a caring, trustworthy, good, beautiful person. I'm not being conceited, in fact I think it's good that I view myself in a positive way. However, it puzzles me as to why I can't find someone who appreciates that, and who wants to give me something special. Thinking that you've found that, and then losing it is really annoying, and can make you bitter, which is how I feel sometimes. I feel bitter that I couldn't have what I wanted, that I lost what I thought we'd found together. And though I feel somewhat content with the current relationship I have with that person, it's still in the back of my mind. [Taking a page from Kieona here and from now on.] I keep thinking about what C said, about him not being good enough for me anyway, and that makes me feel better regardless of whether it's true or not. I've been weighing it within myself, and in some ways, it's true, he isn't good enough for me. And in other ways he's perfect and it pisses me off that I don't have him how I've wanted him since I got close to him. It'll take me a few days to move past the annoyances and the bitterness, but I am. Everyone keeps assuring me, I'll find someone deserving, because it's clear he doesn't deserve me in that way. Feelings and him don't mix, that's clear, and I won't waste anymore of mine on someone who does not deserve them. Hopefully there's a man out there that does, and that will realize that I'm what they want and need, and that they'll be the same for me. I just have to be patient, something I'm not very good at, but I'm going to try...
19 February 2009
Who Am I Living For?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Rihanna is a bad bitch.
So, I've determined things that I cannot stand about people, or that people do. They are as follows.
--I hate when people make excuses for controllable behavior, or for the things in their lives they have control over. If you're complaining about it, or being all "woe is me", then you want to change it, so change it.
--I hate when people give up on others. If there is one thing that you can do in life and feel good about it, it's believing in someone else, and giving someone a chance.
--I hate when people betray. Point blank.
--I hate when girls fuck over their female friends for guys. No man will ever, EVER, replace a best girlfriend. No man will fully grasp the concept of what it means to be a woman. So treat your girls with the love and respect they deserve. Men come and go. Nothing is definite, even the friendships I'm referring to. But your true girls are solid, and they are very much present, and they deserve to be treated like they matter more than some stupid male who wants every girl he shouldn't.
--I hate when people beat around the bush. If you want something, tell me. If you don't want me in your life, tell me. If you want me to be something to you, tell me. If you want me to wait for you, tell me. Don't beat around the fucking bush.
--That last one leads me to this; be honest about your intentions. It's hard, but it's always better in the end. Don't act like one person when you mean to be another.
--I hate when people aren't themselves around me. Who am I? I'm nobody! So don't be what you think I want you to be, be what you want to be.
I've said what I said, and that is that, and this is this, and everything is everything.
You got it, you got it,
some kind of magic hypnotic, hypnotic,
you're leaving me breathless, I hate this, I hate this,
you're not the one I believe in...
Can I endure some more?
Rihanna is a bad bitch.
So, I've determined things that I cannot stand about people, or that people do. They are as follows.
--I hate when people make excuses for controllable behavior, or for the things in their lives they have control over. If you're complaining about it, or being all "woe is me", then you want to change it, so change it.
--I hate when people give up on others. If there is one thing that you can do in life and feel good about it, it's believing in someone else, and giving someone a chance.
--I hate when people betray. Point blank.
--I hate when girls fuck over their female friends for guys. No man will ever, EVER, replace a best girlfriend. No man will fully grasp the concept of what it means to be a woman. So treat your girls with the love and respect they deserve. Men come and go. Nothing is definite, even the friendships I'm referring to. But your true girls are solid, and they are very much present, and they deserve to be treated like they matter more than some stupid male who wants every girl he shouldn't.
--I hate when people beat around the bush. If you want something, tell me. If you don't want me in your life, tell me. If you want me to be something to you, tell me. If you want me to wait for you, tell me. Don't beat around the fucking bush.
--That last one leads me to this; be honest about your intentions. It's hard, but it's always better in the end. Don't act like one person when you mean to be another.
--I hate when people aren't themselves around me. Who am I? I'm nobody! So don't be what you think I want you to be, be what you want to be.
I've said what I said, and that is that, and this is this, and everything is everything.
some kind of magic hypnotic, hypnotic,
you're leaving me breathless, I hate this, I hate this,
you're not the one I believe in...
16 February 2009
I Don't Wanna Bore You With This
Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you...
There are a lot of things that I wait for. I wait for my favorite show to come on. I wait for cookies to be delivered and I wait in line for snacks for a late class. And I wait for important things. I wait for someone to see me and want me, all of me. I wait to see someone and love all the inches that make them themselves, and for them to appreciate that fact. To appreciate that I don't give up on people. To appreciate that I see them with my heart and not just my eyes. I wait for change. I wait unconsciously. I wait with all that I am. I wait.
I love the young man,
and f you've ever been in love then you'll understand
That what you want might make you cry,
what you need might pass you by,
if you don't catch it...
There are a lot of things that I wait for. I wait for my favorite show to come on. I wait for cookies to be delivered and I wait in line for snacks for a late class. And I wait for important things. I wait for someone to see me and want me, all of me. I wait to see someone and love all the inches that make them themselves, and for them to appreciate that fact. To appreciate that I don't give up on people. To appreciate that I see them with my heart and not just my eyes. I wait for change. I wait unconsciously. I wait with all that I am. I wait.
and f you've ever been in love then you'll understand
That what you want might make you cry,
what you need might pass you by,
if you don't catch it...
14 February 2009
F-U-C-K
Fuck this day.
I should have a god damn valentine that is not a girl. [sorry Constance, you still the sexiest valentine I'll ever have though!]
I should have a sweet boy, who gets me flowers and says sweet things to me. Instead I have lots of girls. I have a guys dream! Joy!
Again, fuck this day.
The only men who will ever truly love me are my dad, uncles, and Rocko. :(
I should have a god damn valentine that is not a girl. [sorry Constance, you still the sexiest valentine I'll ever have though!]
I should have a sweet boy, who gets me flowers and says sweet things to me. Instead I have lots of girls. I have a guys dream! Joy!
Again, fuck this day.
The only men who will ever truly love me are my dad, uncles, and Rocko. :(
10 February 2009
And So I Put On a Face Just Like a Friend
I don't usually renege on posts.
But I think I take that last one back...
What a waste.
But I think I take that last one back...
What a waste.
The Atlantic Was Born Today
And I'll tell you how,
The clouds above opened up and let it out...
Death Cab For Cutie.
SO AMAZING.
I feel hazy, almost like I pieced myself together very sloppily today. I'm missing some things. My head is clouded and clear at the same time. I'm sick of keeping all the things I feel about situations in my life pushed down. I feel like I'm pretending to be nice, when in reality I'm being nice because I can't be an ass to someone I care about so much. When I wake up sometimes I just know he's been in my dreams. Other times I find myself thinking about the very last time I saw him. I miss his everything. So far I've done a damn good job of convincing myself that I didn't waste my time with him, that every sweet word, every smile, every kiss was as real and good and true as it felt. And I just wish that he would be upfront, but maybe he really doesn't doesn't know what he wants. Yet, with that theory, I am still secretly angry that he won't tell me what he wants of me, or that he won't tell me that he even wants me in that way anymore. Or maybe I am a stupid, naive girl, a girl with too much hope and a heart too big to even fit on my sleeve. A heart that is so big it could even scare some guys. What everyone fails to realize though, is that despite the size of my heart, it is more scared of you than you could ever be of it...
Oh no, I need you so much closer.
I need you so much closer.
So come on, come on...
The clouds above opened up and let it out...
Death Cab For Cutie.
SO AMAZING.
I feel hazy, almost like I pieced myself together very sloppily today. I'm missing some things. My head is clouded and clear at the same time. I'm sick of keeping all the things I feel about situations in my life pushed down. I feel like I'm pretending to be nice, when in reality I'm being nice because I can't be an ass to someone I care about so much. When I wake up sometimes I just know he's been in my dreams. Other times I find myself thinking about the very last time I saw him. I miss his everything. So far I've done a damn good job of convincing myself that I didn't waste my time with him, that every sweet word, every smile, every kiss was as real and good and true as it felt. And I just wish that he would be upfront, but maybe he really doesn't doesn't know what he wants. Yet, with that theory, I am still secretly angry that he won't tell me what he wants of me, or that he won't tell me that he even wants me in that way anymore. Or maybe I am a stupid, naive girl, a girl with too much hope and a heart too big to even fit on my sleeve. A heart that is so big it could even scare some guys. What everyone fails to realize though, is that despite the size of my heart, it is more scared of you than you could ever be of it...
I need you so much closer.
So come on, come on...
08 February 2009
Right Now I Feel Like A Bird
Caged without a key...
I was going to write about something important, really, I was. Buuuut, I can feel that this is going to be short, and straight to the point.
I need to know. I just need to know if I'm waiting for anything, anything at all. Because I would love to be able to move on if I'm not. It's not like there aren't other interesting guys out there. It sucks texting and chatting all the time like nothing ever changed when it did. And I've been doing my best to keep my emotions at bay, but at this point there's nothing fueling this post except pure logic. So let me know if I can let go, because it's not up to me at all. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wonder if today I'll be told. If today he'll say "I miss you. I want to be with you." But there isn't a day that goes by where I don't doubt it. I doubt him. I don't like doubting people, so I just need to know. I need to. And I'm also confused, because I don't understand what I asked of the relationship that was so unmanageable. I never wanted anything but him. Nothing excessive or crazy, just him. I still want him. I miss him.
So I need to know.
Just let her fly, just let her fly.
Spread wings, spread beauty.
I was going to write about something important, really, I was. Buuuut, I can feel that this is going to be short, and straight to the point.
I need to know. I just need to know if I'm waiting for anything, anything at all. Because I would love to be able to move on if I'm not. It's not like there aren't other interesting guys out there. It sucks texting and chatting all the time like nothing ever changed when it did. And I've been doing my best to keep my emotions at bay, but at this point there's nothing fueling this post except pure logic. So let me know if I can let go, because it's not up to me at all. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wonder if today I'll be told. If today he'll say "I miss you. I want to be with you." But there isn't a day that goes by where I don't doubt it. I doubt him. I don't like doubting people, so I just need to know. I need to. And I'm also confused, because I don't understand what I asked of the relationship that was so unmanageable. I never wanted anything but him. Nothing excessive or crazy, just him. I still want him. I miss him.
So I need to know.
Spread wings, spread beauty.
05 February 2009
And I'd Build My House Baby, With Sorrow
I'll give it all my strength and my mind
I'll make this decision, with or without...
Yay for giving up!
In all seriousness though, sometimes its all you can do. Sometimes, giving up is actually the last step to moving forward, or accepting what certain things are. And I'm content with my relationships with people. I'm open with myself about how things make me feel, and I think that's really important, and that's all I need to do to be okay with my decisions, and the current state of certain relationships I have with people. I'm okay with all of it now.
And I've been wondering lately; why do I always think that having a boyfriend would improve my life? I mean, sure, having one is great when everything is mutual and loving and happy. But, my life without one seems simpler. At least when I'm not looking for the next cute, perfect guy. :/
My point in all this is that I need nothing. However, I seem to want it all...
I'll make this decision, with or without...
Yay for giving up!
In all seriousness though, sometimes its all you can do. Sometimes, giving up is actually the last step to moving forward, or accepting what certain things are. And I'm content with my relationships with people. I'm open with myself about how things make me feel, and I think that's really important, and that's all I need to do to be okay with my decisions, and the current state of certain relationships I have with people. I'm okay with all of it now.
And I've been wondering lately; why do I always think that having a boyfriend would improve my life? I mean, sure, having one is great when everything is mutual and loving and happy. But, my life without one seems simpler. At least when I'm not looking for the next cute, perfect guy. :/
My point in all this is that I need nothing. However, I seem to want it all...
29 January 2009
Fucking Dreams, Man...
So this took place during my hour long nap, SO random.
I was home, I had just gotten there, and I was just hanging around, until I realized my parents were walking around the entire house collecting all the sharp objects and knives they could find, and putting them in a huge tablecloth to roll up and I guess hide.I asked what was going on but no one would tell me.
And then we were sitting in the tv room, all four of us, and I was on one couch with my mom, and my dad was on another with my mom. I was laying on her lap. And they both told me that I had to be ready for tonight, and to not be afraid. I had no idea what they were referring to though. I asked them what the hell they were talking about but they just kept telling me to be ready, that I knew this was coming.
I asked them was I going to be psychoanalyzed, and they repeated themselves. Then I jumped up and yelled "Are you trying to have me exorcised or something?!" And they both just laughed a little bit and turned on the TV and watched, ignoring me.
Then it went to later that night, and my mom and I were going to a party together (so random). When we got there I realized it was a party like up here, except it was in a neighborhood that looked like mine. Sooo we're walking up the driveway, and to one side this guy is making himself barf, another guy is holding an empty can that says "Beans" on the side to catch it, and then he's throwing it back at him! And on the porch this girl is drinking red stuff, but letting it spill all over her. We go inside and there are seats everywhere, so me and my mom sit near Monique and Simone. And I poke my mom and say "hey, look at those strippers". These strippers were big, curvaceous, heavily tattooed black women, with looong hair. And they were naked already, because apparently it was someone's birthday. Then, up front there were some brothers and sorors shimmying and strolling, and I was trying to explain to my mom what they were doing but she grabbed my arm and whispered my name really scared. And I realized the strippers were coming our way. One brushed past me, and I SWEAR I felt how warm her hand was on my shoulder, it felt SO real. And they walked back over to where they were. I was trying to read the tattoo she (the one who had touched me) had across her chest, it was in black script.
When I woke up I realized what it said though.
"Open your eyes"
I was fucking freaked out for like two hours. And the way I felt when I woke up, I didn't like it at all. Even retelling it gets me freaked out. I have no idea why. I hope this isn't a continuing dream...
I was home, I had just gotten there, and I was just hanging around, until I realized my parents were walking around the entire house collecting all the sharp objects and knives they could find, and putting them in a huge tablecloth to roll up and I guess hide.I asked what was going on but no one would tell me.
And then we were sitting in the tv room, all four of us, and I was on one couch with my mom, and my dad was on another with my mom. I was laying on her lap. And they both told me that I had to be ready for tonight, and to not be afraid. I had no idea what they were referring to though. I asked them what the hell they were talking about but they just kept telling me to be ready, that I knew this was coming.
I asked them was I going to be psychoanalyzed, and they repeated themselves. Then I jumped up and yelled "Are you trying to have me exorcised or something?!" And they both just laughed a little bit and turned on the TV and watched, ignoring me.
Then it went to later that night, and my mom and I were going to a party together (so random). When we got there I realized it was a party like up here, except it was in a neighborhood that looked like mine. Sooo we're walking up the driveway, and to one side this guy is making himself barf, another guy is holding an empty can that says "Beans" on the side to catch it, and then he's throwing it back at him! And on the porch this girl is drinking red stuff, but letting it spill all over her. We go inside and there are seats everywhere, so me and my mom sit near Monique and Simone. And I poke my mom and say "hey, look at those strippers". These strippers were big, curvaceous, heavily tattooed black women, with looong hair. And they were naked already, because apparently it was someone's birthday. Then, up front there were some brothers and sorors shimmying and strolling, and I was trying to explain to my mom what they were doing but she grabbed my arm and whispered my name really scared. And I realized the strippers were coming our way. One brushed past me, and I SWEAR I felt how warm her hand was on my shoulder, it felt SO real. And they walked back over to where they were. I was trying to read the tattoo she (the one who had touched me) had across her chest, it was in black script.
When I woke up I realized what it said though.
"Open your eyes"
I was fucking freaked out for like two hours. And the way I felt when I woke up, I didn't like it at all. Even retelling it gets me freaked out. I have no idea why. I hope this isn't a continuing dream...
24 January 2009
Under Stormy Night, Tell Nobody
And the river got frozen,
And the hole got snowed in,
And the yellow moon glowed by
Til the morning light.
Fleet. Foxes. Are. Amazing.
I tend to do a lot of thinking as I'm walking around campus, especially over the bridges above the river. It's so big, and frozen. I can see the tracks from brave little animals that have crossed in the night. It's large, and looming, and frozen. But underneath it's still flowing. I think that describes me right now. I've got tough skin. My shattered emotions have built up around me and I'm almost impenetrable. Then, there's the rush of happiness I feel underneath when I breathe in the cold, crisp air, and look around at the beauty of my campus. It's beginning to really feel like my home away from home. MSU is such a rich, big, mini-city of its own. I can't imagine myself anywhere else. My roommates are hilarious, my friends are amazing, and I'm learning new things and pushing towards my goal of becoming a nurse. And it's all based on me, on what I do, and how I decide to pursue my dreams. I don't need anyone else to know that this is what I want, and this is where I want to be. I want everything for myself, everything that I deserve. I want to make a difference while I'm here. Hell, falling in love while I'm here would be amazing too. But mostly, I just want to do things for myself, and mold myself into who I aspire to be. I think I'm off to a pretty great start, boyfriend or no boyfriend, money or no money, big heart or no heart left to give to anyone. None of that really matters anymore. I've got amazing friends and family, and I've got what I need from myself inside; ambition, hope, and drive.
How can I give you the benefit, when all I have, all I have is doubt...?
And the hole got snowed in,
And the yellow moon glowed by
Til the morning light.
Fleet. Foxes. Are. Amazing.
I tend to do a lot of thinking as I'm walking around campus, especially over the bridges above the river. It's so big, and frozen. I can see the tracks from brave little animals that have crossed in the night. It's large, and looming, and frozen. But underneath it's still flowing. I think that describes me right now. I've got tough skin. My shattered emotions have built up around me and I'm almost impenetrable. Then, there's the rush of happiness I feel underneath when I breathe in the cold, crisp air, and look around at the beauty of my campus. It's beginning to really feel like my home away from home. MSU is such a rich, big, mini-city of its own. I can't imagine myself anywhere else. My roommates are hilarious, my friends are amazing, and I'm learning new things and pushing towards my goal of becoming a nurse. And it's all based on me, on what I do, and how I decide to pursue my dreams. I don't need anyone else to know that this is what I want, and this is where I want to be. I want everything for myself, everything that I deserve. I want to make a difference while I'm here. Hell, falling in love while I'm here would be amazing too. But mostly, I just want to do things for myself, and mold myself into who I aspire to be. I think I'm off to a pretty great start, boyfriend or no boyfriend, money or no money, big heart or no heart left to give to anyone. None of that really matters anymore. I've got amazing friends and family, and I've got what I need from myself inside; ambition, hope, and drive.
20 January 2009
Just Like You Baby, I Would Be So Easy To Love
I don't have all of the pieces yet
I'm watching us go around
And I see us drowning
and drowning ourselves to say
And we needed to fall behind
And we're pushing it under
And we needed to fade away
We are looking at love on the line
At lust, a gate or a sign
Are we turning away?
--Alana Davis: Untitled, Bonus Track
I'm tired. I'm just tired. I'm tired of thinking about shit, tired of being all these things to all these people. I'm tired of my mind racing. I'm tired of thinking about all the fucked up shit RIGHT before I fall asleep. And this is not just because of recent events in my life. I just think about fucked up shit in general, RIGHT before I go to sleep. I don't know why, I've never known why. I just wish for once, I didn't have a damn thing bringing me down at night. I wish that people would know their intentions and stick to them. I wish I could find that real shit, that true shit, that good shit. I want to find forever. I know we all look, but I'm on a mission to find forever. I'm on a mission to find the goddamn truth.
...you don't do shit like that
You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don't throw away what we had, just like that
I can't see em comin` down my eyes, so I gotta make the song cry...
I'm watching us go around
And I see us drowning
and drowning ourselves to say
And we needed to fall behind
And we're pushing it under
And we needed to fade away
We are looking at love on the line
At lust, a gate or a sign
Are we turning away?
--Alana Davis: Untitled, Bonus Track
I'm tired. I'm just tired. I'm tired of thinking about shit, tired of being all these things to all these people. I'm tired of my mind racing. I'm tired of thinking about all the fucked up shit RIGHT before I fall asleep. And this is not just because of recent events in my life. I just think about fucked up shit in general, RIGHT before I go to sleep. I don't know why, I've never known why. I just wish for once, I didn't have a damn thing bringing me down at night. I wish that people would know their intentions and stick to them. I wish I could find that real shit, that true shit, that good shit. I want to find forever. I know we all look, but I'm on a mission to find forever. I'm on a mission to find the goddamn truth.
...you don't do shit like that
You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don't throw away what we had, just like that
19 January 2009
I Try to Reach You, I Can Almost Feel You
You're nearly here and then,
you disappear...
I had a purpose when I started this, I really did. But it just died...oh well. On to my current thoughts.
I feel like things could be better in many aspects of my life. I want to improve my relationships. I want to get better grades. I want to actually work out and see a change. I want to be just a little more content than I am now.
A lot of the time I don't go to sleep with a smile anymore. Getting to the root of that seems difficult, but I'm starting to think I see it now. I don't know how much longer I can skirt around it. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to something that feels like less and less, everyday. My feelings are strong but my head is stronger, and I keep telling myself one thing, only for my heart to tell me another. I don't quit on people, but I don't appreciate being quit on either. I keep thinking things. I keep thinking that the distance is making my heart grow fonder, when all it really does is make my heart hurt at the thought of soft lips and warm hands. And I long for him to tell me that he needs me but I don't ever get that. I long for him to tell me that he misses my face, and my softness, and my lips and all the little things. I long to be missed. Don't tell me you love me, but tell me you miss me. Tell me you're going to visit soon. Give me a small, minuscule beacon of hope. Make an effort. I don't give up, but it's easy to give in when there's hardly any reason left to hold on.
you disappear...
I had a purpose when I started this, I really did. But it just died...oh well. On to my current thoughts.
I feel like things could be better in many aspects of my life. I want to improve my relationships. I want to get better grades. I want to actually work out and see a change. I want to be just a little more content than I am now.
A lot of the time I don't go to sleep with a smile anymore. Getting to the root of that seems difficult, but I'm starting to think I see it now. I don't know how much longer I can skirt around it. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to something that feels like less and less, everyday. My feelings are strong but my head is stronger, and I keep telling myself one thing, only for my heart to tell me another. I don't quit on people, but I don't appreciate being quit on either. I keep thinking things. I keep thinking that the distance is making my heart grow fonder, when all it really does is make my heart hurt at the thought of soft lips and warm hands. And I long for him to tell me that he needs me but I don't ever get that. I long for him to tell me that he misses my face, and my softness, and my lips and all the little things. I long to be missed. Don't tell me you love me, but tell me you miss me. Tell me you're going to visit soon. Give me a small, minuscule beacon of hope. Make an effort. I don't give up, but it's easy to give in when there's hardly any reason left to hold on.
10 January 2009
It'll All Get Better In Time
Leona Lewis has such a pretty voice.
This is probably gonna be all over the place, but whatever. I didn't wanna title it "Randoms" because I'm not writing random thing on purpose. My head is just full of very random thoughts. I'm confused, I feel shut out a little, I'm worried... There are things I want to know, but there's a line of respect that I dare not cross with someone I love. Trust takes a long time, and now I see I've given more and received less. That's no one's fault, no one's hurtful decision. It's just the way it is now. I'm an impatient person. I'm nosy. I push until I'm told to stop, and I stop abruptly, not wanting to cause any undue harm to the relationship or the situation. I care too much and too hard for every person in my life. I can barge into something like a mother with her child, because that's what I am. I'm motherly, I'm nurturing, I want the people around me to feel safe, to open up. But the one I want the most isn't ready to do that for me. And I stand by my words when I say I don't push things when I'm told stop, but I can't bear the thought of never knowing the important things in the lives of the people I care about. And whether that be a fault, or a good quality, I can't say. In all my experiences it's served me well, it's been a good thing. I hope it stays that way. I hope I can be trusted with a little more than a few words at a time. I hope I can know as much as possible without it being everything. I hope it gets better.
This is probably gonna be all over the place, but whatever. I didn't wanna title it "Randoms" because I'm not writing random thing on purpose. My head is just full of very random thoughts. I'm confused, I feel shut out a little, I'm worried... There are things I want to know, but there's a line of respect that I dare not cross with someone I love. Trust takes a long time, and now I see I've given more and received less. That's no one's fault, no one's hurtful decision. It's just the way it is now. I'm an impatient person. I'm nosy. I push until I'm told to stop, and I stop abruptly, not wanting to cause any undue harm to the relationship or the situation. I care too much and too hard for every person in my life. I can barge into something like a mother with her child, because that's what I am. I'm motherly, I'm nurturing, I want the people around me to feel safe, to open up. But the one I want the most isn't ready to do that for me. And I stand by my words when I say I don't push things when I'm told stop, but I can't bear the thought of never knowing the important things in the lives of the people I care about. And whether that be a fault, or a good quality, I can't say. In all my experiences it's served me well, it's been a good thing. I hope it stays that way. I hope I can be trusted with a little more than a few words at a time. I hope I can know as much as possible without it being everything. I hope it gets better.
06 January 2009
I Stopped Trying To Write the Things I Liked And I Started Goin` Back to Where I'd Been Before
She said I don't blame you I'd do the same,
opportunity knock knock knocks, open the door...
Gomez=Love.
I've decided on a sort of New Year's resolution, life-choice type thing.
I need to stop looking so hard into the future. I've realized that it's okay to have goals, but I have expectations for my future, and there's a good chance I'll be disappointed. Nothing ever goes exactly how you plan. Everything cannot be controlled. I need to start letting more things happen for themselves. I push, both knowingly and unknowingly, for the things that I want. All I really need to do is know what I want, because being myself, and knowing myself, I'll get what I want by some means. I have to sit back, and just let the future come to me. I still have the goals of becoming a great nurse, and becoming a great mom, and having a fulfilling life. But I realize that's enough. Having those goals will allow me to make all the right choices while still leaving the future to fall into place as it should.
So no more overthinking things, no more pushing too hard. No more looking too hard and too far into the future. I'm 18. You're only 18 once. I gotta live it up! I have to love everyone in my life and treat them well now, because some of them won't be there forever. I have to let the love I have with my boy just go as it wills. I can't push or pull. It's new and fragile and I want it to grow but I can't sit around poking and prodding it into what I think it should be. That goes for many things in my life. I think I'll be a lot happier and fuller because of all this. :)
opportunity knock knock knocks, open the door...
Gomez=Love.
I've decided on a sort of New Year's resolution, life-choice type thing.
I need to stop looking so hard into the future. I've realized that it's okay to have goals, but I have expectations for my future, and there's a good chance I'll be disappointed. Nothing ever goes exactly how you plan. Everything cannot be controlled. I need to start letting more things happen for themselves. I push, both knowingly and unknowingly, for the things that I want. All I really need to do is know what I want, because being myself, and knowing myself, I'll get what I want by some means. I have to sit back, and just let the future come to me. I still have the goals of becoming a great nurse, and becoming a great mom, and having a fulfilling life. But I realize that's enough. Having those goals will allow me to make all the right choices while still leaving the future to fall into place as it should.
So no more overthinking things, no more pushing too hard. No more looking too hard and too far into the future. I'm 18. You're only 18 once. I gotta live it up! I have to love everyone in my life and treat them well now, because some of them won't be there forever. I have to let the love I have with my boy just go as it wills. I can't push or pull. It's new and fragile and I want it to grow but I can't sit around poking and prodding it into what I think it should be. That goes for many things in my life. I think I'll be a lot happier and fuller because of all this. :)
05 January 2009
Skip to the End, Exhausted Bodies In Bed
Fallin' asleep with the lights on
Skip the "you don't understand"
Skip the "you're such a petty man"
Skip the way you'll never listen
You never listen...
Minus the Bear.
Acoustic.
LOVE.
I'd forgotten about the whole "____ is love" concept I'd started. Yay for remembering! I leave for school Sunday, and I'm looking back on my break with nothing but smiles! I got to see everyone that matters, though the one I wanted to see the most I saw the least...but hey, `tis life! All I know is he better bring his ass to State a few times before I come home for spring break. On another note, I loved doing nothing. I didn't realize how much nothing I DON'T get to do at school. I slept in my basement for the first 3 weeks, with my phone, the TV, and my lappy. `TWAS GREAT. Christmas was good, New Years was decent, and hopefully my last weekend here will be good too.
And guess what IndiaKeyDinoAndAnyoneElseThatCallsMeGay?
No lovey dovey shit today. I ain't feelin` it.
PEACE.
Skip the "you don't understand"
Skip the "you're such a petty man"
Skip the way you'll never listen
You never listen...
Minus the Bear.
Acoustic.
LOVE.
I'd forgotten about the whole "____ is love" concept I'd started. Yay for remembering! I leave for school Sunday, and I'm looking back on my break with nothing but smiles! I got to see everyone that matters, though the one I wanted to see the most I saw the least...but hey, `tis life! All I know is he better bring his ass to State a few times before I come home for spring break. On another note, I loved doing nothing. I didn't realize how much nothing I DON'T get to do at school. I slept in my basement for the first 3 weeks, with my phone, the TV, and my lappy. `TWAS GREAT. Christmas was good, New Years was decent, and hopefully my last weekend here will be good too.
And guess what IndiaKeyDinoAndAnyoneElseThatCallsMeGay?
No lovey dovey shit today. I ain't feelin` it.
PEACE.
02 January 2009
The Space Between All Our Wicked Lives Is Where We Hope to Keep Safe From the Pain
I don't like loving him so much. Because I miss him more now that he's far away, even though I missed him when he was in the same state as me. Sometimes late at night when I'm in bed, I wonder if I'm right in giving him so much of me so soon. I wonder if he's gonna get bored with me. I wonder if my being away is going to be an issue. I wonder if we're as good and right and true as it all feels. I wonder all of this because my heart is just getting better after a lot of shit. I don't want him to hurt it again. Who asks for heartbreak, though? No one asks for that. All I can ask is that he keeps loving me the way he told me he loved me. I ask that he keeps seeing me as beautiful, and amazing. I don't care that it's only been a month, officially. In fact, that's the reason I'm writing this. Because a month is good enough time, I think, to determine whether this person is really right for you. I think he's right. He feels right. When I laugh it feels right, when he touches me it feels right, and when he kisses me, it doesn't only feel right, it makes me know. I hope that knowing feeling is correct. I hope I'm putting my trust in him for good reason. Because I love him...
The space between wrong and right is
where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you.
where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you.
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